Octopus ocular optics.

What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.

Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.

I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.

A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"

I like you cherry much.

What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!

How do you move a piece of furniture at the weather station?
With four casters.

What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.

Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.

Are you a banana? Because you're great at the splits.

What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.

When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.

What do you call an old dog?
Grandpaw.

"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain

We were debating about Charles Darwin in class when the teacher warned us, "Don't let this evolve into an argument."

What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.

My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.

Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.

“Thanks to yoga, I now gently stretch to conclusions rather than jumping to them.” – Unknown

Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.

“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw

Why is their ship called 3.14?
Because they are π-rates.

I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.

"Don’t Be Silly"

Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.

So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.

– Dave Moran

I saw a guy on the train holding a newspaper in front of his face.
He was behind The Times.

“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson

"Act like a horse. Be dumb. Just run."
Jumbo Elliot

BREAKING NEWS: Vietnam accidentally sank its own submarine killing all 350 on board
Whoops, wrong sub.

Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"
Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"

Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"

Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.

Q. What happens when a gorilla has a melt down?
A. He goes absolutely bananas!

What kind of fish do skeletons like to eat?
Carpals.

What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle

What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up!

Why do men prefer blondes? Because they like intellectual companionship.

I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.

What kind of hotdogs do ghouls like best?
Halloweiners!

What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf

What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid

German Wi-Fi is the WURST.

What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
Sir Render

What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.

Swiped for the dog, stayed for the human.

What country do cows love to visit?
Moo Zealand.

What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.

"The holy passion of friendship is so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime if not asked to lend money."
— Mark Twain

Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.

“The archer will walk up to you, give you a hearty slap on the back and a wide, friendly grin. Then he’ll greet you with a remark like, ‘How the heck do you manage to look so young when you’re as old as you are?'”
— Linda Goodman

I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.