A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
“Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in the one ahead.”
— Mac McCleary
Hey, I don’t know what you think of me but I hope it’s X-rated.
When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving
He gives the water the bends.
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.
I ate an omelette for breakfast…
but I’m still feeling peckish.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
You're so beautiful; your birthday should be a national holiday.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
What do you call an indoor plant?
An intro-vert
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
Why did the corn cross the road?
Because it was being stalked.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
I'm no Jane, but I'd Eyre on the side of saying I think you're beautiful.
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Singing Sammy sung songs on sinking sand.
Would you sit on my feet while I do push ups?
We are mint to be.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
Why was there no food left at the Halloween party?
Because everyone was a goblin.
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
When you tip the ketchup bottle,
First will come a little, then a lot'll.
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
What Disney movie can a deer watch over and over again?
Fawn-tasia.
Knock Knock
Who's there
Four Eggs
Four Eggs who
Four Eggs ample!
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
Wanna meet up tonight? I hope you Leonard-on’t say no
How do you Charlemange-age to get through the last few days before vacation?
What did they say about the tone-deaf boy?
He has Van Gogh's ear for music.
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
He threw three free throws.