I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent.
A local farmer has trained his pigs to perform ballet.
I’m going to see their production of swine lake.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Trying to get to the end of the rainbow is a gold move.
There was an Old Person of Dean,
Who dined on one pea and one bean;
For he said,
"More than that would make me too fat,"
That cautious Old Person of Dean.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
Why DID seven eat nine?
Because you’re supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day!
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?
When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
What do you call a cold, angry pig? A ham-brr-grr.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball.
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?
A cannibble.
"Middle age is when you’re sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn’t for you." - Ogden Nash
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
~ Cannon’s Law
Hey baby, can I get your phone number? Oops, too late.
What did the flower say to his wife when he brought her home a present?
I hope thistle cheer you up.
Which underwear does King Tut wear?
Fruit of the tomb!
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
There was an Old Man of Marseilles,
Whose daughters wore bottle-green veils;
They caught several Fish,
Which they put in a dish,
And sent to their Pa' at Marseilles.
I just got my degree in Sky Diving.
I had to drop out to graduate.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
What song did Kenny Rogers write after his cowboy boot broke?
“You picked a fine time to leave me, Loose Heel.”
Roses are red, violets are black, why is your chest as flat as my back?
My friend Elmer’s has gotten really good at tennis ever since he stuck to a healthier diet and went glue-ten free.
"This isn't easy and neither are you. I'm breaking up with you."
If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
What do you call an elf who steals Christmas present wrapping from the wealthy and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood.
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
― Unknown
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”