How does Bigfoot clear his sinuses?
With a yeti pot.
What do you call a gangsta snowman?
Froze-T.
Birch, please.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.
When the defender was put in the box for spearing Jaromir Jagr, he
complained "but it was only a poke-Czech!"
Who did the horse ask to be his second wife?
A manewer model.
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
[Beer] This is my number one draft pick.
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.
Does a water bed become bouncier when you fill it up with spring water?
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
Is that a bat in your pocket, or does my costume excite you?
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out, as animals are not allowed.
Why was the Pirate sad when his parrot left him?.
It gave him the cold shoulder.
Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
“You know you are getting old when the candles on your birthday cake start to cost more than the cake itself.”
― Unknown
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
"Beat it." — Michael Jackson, "Beat It"
I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
A sheep dog says to the farmer, "I'm going to round up the sheep."
The dog comes back with 50 sheep. The farmers says, "we only have 48 sheep." The dog replies, "Yea, I told you I was going to round them up."
If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct
What’s green and mean and stabs you when you hug it?
Cactus
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
Who succeeded the first President of the United States?
The second one.
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
5 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend, and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All three said No!
“Parenting is a cult. And as a cult member, you can try to explain it to other people, but we just appear like lunatics.” – Jim Gaffigan
Knock, knock
Who’s There?
Annie
Annie Who?
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
My least favorite teacher in the school is the History teacher. Whenever she takes a class on Ancient History, she tends to Babylon.
Sorry I've been following you...
But my parents told me to chase my dreams.
What is the collective noun for Ghosts? Team spirit.
What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West