"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
You must be a C major scale... All natural.
“If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?”
- Will Rogers
A magician wearing a rainbow colored coat is called Hue-dini.
Why does nobody talk to circles?
Because there is no point!
Did you hear about the gnome city that doesn’t let humans through the gates? They call it Gno-man’s-land.
I can feel something brewing between the two of us.
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
I like long runs on the beach.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
The hotel said NO DOGS ALLOWED.
I guess it was a little too paw-sh.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” —Erma Bombeck
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
What did the bat complain about?
Flying with such frequency was exhausting.
What did the evaporating raindrop say?
I’m going to pieces.
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
There are more planes under the oceans than there are submarines up in the skies. Let that sink in...
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
"My wife is really sentimental. One Valentine’s Day I gave her a ring and to this day she has never forgotten those three little words that were engraved inside — Made in Taiwan." — Leopold Fetchner
Are you a bank loan? Because you got my interest!
Can I take your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
What did they call mummy makers in ancient Egypt? Sarcophaguy.
I'd run miles just to be with you.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
Let's skip the Netflix on the sofa and go straight to chill in my bed.
Can I borrow your cell phone? I need to call animal control cause I just saw a fox!
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
Why was the horse feeling a bit sick?
Its voice was a bit hoarse.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry
Me: It’s a sacrifice to the dryer gods.
My dad: It’s a sockrifice.
You’re my heartthrob.
It’s so cold dogs are wearing cats.
When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
The only difference between pea soup and roast beef is anyone can roast beef.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
On a scale from 1 to 10, you're a 9... And I'm the 1 you need.
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.