A peach biologist was looking for a peach-tree-dish for his upcoming experiment.
What do you call a skeleton who hangs out in coffee shops and listens to indie music?
A hip-ster.
You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
My friend can't afford expensive art, she has no Monet.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
Treat yo shelves.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
Who did the ghost take to prom? His ghoulfriend.
Dear Dog
You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
Hey is your name Cameron? Cuz I’d love a Camera-n to capture that gorgeous face of yours.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
Why would a cow want to go to space? To see the Milky Way.
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
Why did the hotel staff dress as witches for Halloween?
Because they provided broom service!
What did the player on the Bumblebee basketball team say after making a foul shot?
Hive Scored!
"I mead more wine."
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
I'm a student, and I play a game with myself every time I check my bank account.
It's called Meal or no Meal.
Dogs can't see your bones.
But catscan.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
"You're perfect in every way, just not for me."
What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.
Do you think anyone will buy the new furniture made by Apple?
iWood
Which Pokémon has Covid?
Pik-achoo.
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
Woah, that attractive field of yours is pulling me in! By any chance, are you a Van de Graaff generator?
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
What is just as big as a gorilla but literally weighs nothing?
A gorilla's shadow.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!