What will you get if you cross an ice bear and a running tiger? Frostbite.
Take off all your cloves.
Rory’s lawn rake rarely rakes really right.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
The Grinch may have stolen Christmas, but you stole my heart.
Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes.
Chuck Palahniuk
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
There was an Old Man who supposed,
That the street door was partially closed;
But some very large rats,
Ate his coats and his hats,
While that futile old gentleman dozed.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food.”
― Unknown
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
Why did the zombie lose his lawsuit?
He had no leg to stand on!
Hey girl, I'd give you my heart but I already gave it to Jesus.
You can have my number though.
Take me down to Hai-
ku City where the grass is
green, and the dammit.
"I don't run a car, have never run a car. I could say that this is because I have this extremely tender environmentalist conscience, but the fact is I hate driving."
- David Attenborough
“The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”
- John J. Plomp.
In your hands my heart is clay, To take and hold as you may.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
What kind of whale can fly?
A Pilot whale.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
Why is "dark" spelled with a K?
Because you can't C in the dark.
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?
Dam!
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
Swallowing a cherry stone is not the end of the world. It’s just one of life’s little pitfalls.
Sorry, I would’ve called sooner but my phone overheated...
I guess you’re just too hot for this dating app!
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
I enjoy the cold weather
But only to a certain degree.
A man once said when is Monday coming? His wife said Mon-soon.
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
Went to the doctor because I got a strawberry stuck in my ear
He gave me some cream for it
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
I am a jogger, but date me and I will never run away from you.