What’s a monster’s favorite play? Romeo and Ghouliet.

If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!

I had a nasty crash with a truck carrying construction equipment the other day. It really hit me like a ton of bricks.

As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".

People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.

“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw

I created a presentation on my computer but didn't use password protection...
Now it has visual aids.

Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.

Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.

When will a guy ignore even the hottest girl? Right after he "comes" inside. Why do little boys whine? Because they're practicing to be men.

How do geologists like to relax? In rocking chairs, of course!

“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”

Without you, I’m like a null set… Empty.

Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.

What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!

What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.

Nice Skates...Wanna Cross the Blue Line with Me?

How do blind folks buy homes in hot markets?
Sight unseen.

what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.

How did the mummy defeat Superman? He had Cryptonite.

She sells seashells by the seashore.

What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.

Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.

Are you a computer technician?
Because you turn my hardware into software.

Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.

Why are geologists good at stand up comedy?
They know really “dirty” jokes.

You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.

“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler

What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".

Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.

Many people seem to believe that warm water droplets get cooled fast and form fog. It's a mist-conception. Someone should de-mist-ify it.

Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.

The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!

What kind of hat does a skeleton wear at Easter?
A Bone-et.

There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.

What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!

"Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money." ~ Anonymous

What is a golfer’s favorite bird?
Any birdie will do.

What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups

Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds

What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.

How did the baker cut four loaves of bread at the same time? By buying a four-loaf-cleaver.

Julius Caesar
But Julius is too shy to talk to her

“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes

How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.

Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.

What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!