Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.

What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.

A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.

How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.

How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.

It is ridiculous having a basketball team that lacks a website. Do you mean none of them can string three W’s together?

What did the ear of corn say when all of its clothes fell off?
Awe shucks!

I was not allowed to do my stand up act at the mushroom comedy show. I guess I am not a fungi.

Frankenstein wasn’t very compliant.
He was mad and annoyed and defiant.
But he happened to pass
Anger management class —
And turned into The Jolly Green Giant!

I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.

“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”

- Maxime Lagacé

When we met, it was love at frost sight.

Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.

I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.

What did the goat say when he woke up on a train?
I have no idea how I goat here.

How is the submarine doing at school?
It's below c-level

How do you make a glow worm happy?
Cut off his tail, he’ll be de-lighted!

Two students talk:
"What are you reading?"
"Quantum physics theory book."
"But why are you reading it upside-down?"
"It makes no difference anyway."

What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.

Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.

“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler

“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown

Ever heard of French Donuts?
They’re the Beigne of my existence.

Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.

Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.

In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.

Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.

The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran

What did the storm drain say when it learnt it'd be getting a new cover?
That's just grate.

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. - Mark Twain

What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.

Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.

A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”

We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”

“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”

What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!

Do you like wine?
Because that's all your doing.

Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.

While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.

I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.

Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.

I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.

What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip? To get to the same side.

Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.

How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.

What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!

Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.

Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.