An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
Some call them opponents. We call them victims. It sounds like you have the right mindset to succeed on the court!
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
Wind carried the sound of two people mocking each other to my ears.
I was in diss-gust.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly make you a drink
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lion
Lion who?
Lion on your doorstep, open up!
Have you ever been on a party boat?
It’s a Yacht of fun.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
There was an Old Person of Tring,
Who embellished his nose with a ring;
Ha gazed at the moon
Every evening in June,
That ecstatic Old Person in Tring.
What do you call a group of crows who see food?
A tempted murder.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
"One of the many things nobody ever tells you about middle age is that it’s such a nice change from being young." – Dorothy Canfield Fisher
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
What did the baseball glove say to the ball?
Catch ya later.
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
All you need is a good dose of vitamin sea.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
What do you call the Halloween costume contest winner? Mummy of the year.
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
A giant fly has attacked the local police...
Police have called the SWAT team.
Dog heaven must be missing an angel.
How do you know your eating rabbit soup? When there's a hare in it.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
A truck carrying Lego got into an accident on the motorway. No one knows what happened; the authorities are still trying to piece everything together.
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
What kind of jokes do you make in the shower? Clean Jokes!
How do you pronounce Jasmine? Because in my head it’s “Jas-MINE”.
I hear the Minotaur is really stubborn....
He's really bull-headed.
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
What was the watermelon’s naughty pick-up line?
“Want to see my melons?”