Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
I’m a clover, not a fighter.
You must be a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect!
Chuck Norris doesn’t breathe, he holds air hostage.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
If you were a baseball mit, would you catch my fly balls?
Baseball Fan: Have you ever seen a line drive?
Blond Baseball Fan: No, but I have seen a baseball park.
I was going to start ironing, but I decided it was too depressing.
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
"Older people shouldn't eat health food. They need all the preservatives they can get." —Robert Orben
Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.
It’s never great taking a truck driver to the cinema to watch a film. They only really like the trailers.
What has 80 teeth and 2 eyes ?
A crocodile.
We should've guessed the failed postman wouldn't be any better at delivering his acting lines.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?
I wish I were Castiel so I could have everything in your personal space.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
What tree is bought the most at the plant store?
The poplar tree
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
Green seemed to disappear from the rainbow it came back in full force, olive and kicking.
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.