My son asked me what Micheal Jackson was doing in Italy
I told him he was "sight-heeheeing."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don't let me in!
Hey there cyclist, an I make you a recovery drink? You're going to need it.
What did one hat say to the other on the hiking trip?
I'll wait here, you go on ahead.
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.
“I really need a day in-between Sunday and Monday.”
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
We’re mint to be.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
What did one math book say to the other?
I’ve got so many problems.
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
Where do you learn about bones?
Osteoclasst.
Remember, Irish puns on St. Patrick's Day don't just shame you. They Seamus all.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
Irish I had better jokes.
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
Republicans Turned Off By Size Of Obama’s Package
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
Is this seat saved? Because I am.
Why is it annoying to eat next to basketball players?
They dribble all the time.
It’s so cold every kind of cereal in the cupboard is frosted – including the boxes!
"I only workout, because I really really like donuts."
- Unknown
What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
After which knight is a town in England named? Sir Rey!
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
What's the difference between an otter and a navy aircrewman?
At least the otter knows he's not a seal.
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay? Anywhere he wants to.
"If you want to know the correct way to perform an exercise, the answer is: Whatever hurts most."
- Jason Love.
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”