Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
Why aren't high school twins afraid of getting mono?
Because they get stereo instead!
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
What does the skeleton chef say when he serves you a meal?
- Bone Appetit!
Who carries out operations in a river? A sturgeon.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
Green glass globes glow greenly.
My love for you simply radiates.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
Whoever said that no one is perfect has never seen you.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake!
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
What is a koala bear’s favorite line in the movie “The Sixth Sense”? “Aussie dead people.”
Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
What did the mummy order to eat when he went to a restaurant? A wrap.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
You can be the queen of my kingdom.
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
"I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course."
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
Are you a fire alarm? because you are really freaking loud and annoying
What dinner dish does a developing neuron use?
A neural plate.
French fries aren’t cooked in France
They’re cooked in greece.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
“I do yoga to burn off the crazy” — Anonymous
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
It's so cold that the rock rattling around in your shoe is your toe.
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne