What’s a potato’s favorite TV program? Starch Trek.
Wine improves with Humans improve with wine.
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
Good gourd, pumpkin spice latte season is officially here.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
Can you give me directions…to your heart?
What do you call Chewbacca when you have chocolate stuck in your hair?
chocolate chip wookiee.
What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died?
His Shoe.
What did the pastry cook say when he was making the cake?
Bat-a-cake. Bat-a-cake.
Look into my compound eyes and say you'll eat our young.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?
Every muscle in your body is beautiful.
Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
What do you call a benzene ring where the iron atoms replacing all of the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.
When I broke my brother's favorite toy, he turned absolutely red in anger.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
Octopus: [holding a gun in each hand]
Cat: You're one short buddy.
My priest fired me from playing guitar with the choir.
Apparently it’s blasphemous to play a Gsus2 chord.
At What Time Does A Duck Wake Up?
At the quack of dawn.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
I know you are a goalie but I hope you don’t stop me from scoring tonight.
What do you get if you try to cross a mouse with a skunk?
Dirty looks from the mouse!
Why don't they make boats out of peppers?
Because they're always capsaicin!
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
Baby you got the perfect route for me.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”
We are mint to be.
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes? Because you never see a rabbit wearing glasses.
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
"Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet."
Unknown
“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
A camel can work all week without drinking..
A man can drink all week without working.
What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?
A battering R.A.M.
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!
“The downside of playing dumb is that you sound dumb.”
- Rachel Maddow
Skiing is believing!