What’s the easiest shot in golf?
Your fourth putt.

In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.

What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.

The 70s/80s aesthetic has recently become pretty popular in France.
They say it has a certain Gen X sais quoi.

What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker

What country has the most birds?
Turkey.

What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.

What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
​Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?

On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.

I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.

Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.

We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".

There's a microchip you can transplant into your brain to boost your memory
You should keep that in mind.

Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.

Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.

“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw

I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.

What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!

Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.

I bet you’re Ethan better in person

I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.

What do you call an ant who can’t speak?
A mute ant.

Video games never made me angry or want to hurt people.
Working in customer service already did that.

The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.

What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!

What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!

What is it when one cow spies on another cow?
A steak out.

Are you powdered sugar? Because you're sweet, and fine!

What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”

Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.

Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.

My dad hates the ocean, but the other day he bought a boat.
He never could resist a good sail.

My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.

What's an inmates favorite place to hangout? At the bars.

What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.

From up here, I Cannes see the whole French Riviera!

When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."

If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?

Why do spider-musicians always have such long concert tours?
Because they have so many legs.

They said I was an "old fart"
But I hardly think that's true
My boobs were done in '75
But my teeth and knees are new.

And since my eyes were lasered
I have 20/20 sight
Though I like to sit on 50k
And hate to drive at night.

All in all I object to "old"
But "fart" is another matter
For I think the valves that seal the gas
Now leak as I've got fatter.

To add to the indignity
And make me feel antique
Sometimes when I sneeze or cough
I spring a little leak.

So if you're feeling young and smug
With a body like brand new
Just remember in 30 years
This figure may be you!

(By Pamela J. Langdon)

Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!

Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.

I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Frank Carson

What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue

Which films is the car’s favourite?

WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.

Q. What do biologists call an insane stag that's out running amok?
A. Deer-ranged.