Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
Fat man sees small door,
he knows he cannot fit through,
tears flow free now.
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
“The only thing I like better than talking about food is eating.”
— John Walters
"Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-brake on."
- Maxwell Maltz
Hey girl, if you were a turkey you'd only need minimal basting because you're already so juicy.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaa.
“When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because . . . they had three snakes, and one day I braided them.” – Steven Alexander Wright
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
If a T-Rex slipped and broke its nose would it would need a dinoplasty?
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." - Albert Einstein
How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.
What do you call a 2D fairy?
Pixie-lated.
Do you need more sugar or am I sweet enough?
What do you call a funny mountain? hill-arious
Wanna exchange genetic information with me?
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
What planet is next to Uranus?
Poopiter.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.” —Anne Bancroft
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. It was an ex-press train.
Started reading a book called “The Pirate’s Wrist”
I’m hooked.
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
What do you call a smartass bird of prey?
A know it owl.
A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.
How is Europe like a frying pan?
It has Greece at the bottom.
Did you hear about the monster with five legs? His trousers fit him like a glove.
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Lily Tomlin
Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
Chuck Norris breathes air … five times a day.
How was the misbehaving lightning bolt punished?
He was grounded.
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.