Me and my friend were going to a costume party. He told me he was coming as a small island off the coast of Italy.
I said don’t be Sicily.
Who is a crow’s favorite actor? Russell Crow!
Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
How did the archeologists know the skeletons were real?
They were bone-afide.
Grass absorbs nutrients always by the process of grass-imilation.
The refs kept calling interference, even though goalmouth incidents were in
de-crease.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lion
Lion who?
Lion on your doorstep, open up!
What did baby corn say to mama corn?
"Where's popcorn?"
Are you Australia? Cause your geographical location is hot.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
Knock knock!
Who is there?
Beaver
Beaver who?
Be-ware of the turbulent river.
"When reality and dreams collide, typically it’s just your alarm clock going off.”
— Crystal Woods
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
My Little Chocolate Mess
Bathwater and bubbles are waiting,
but my child is nowhere near.
Yet, I can see from cookie crumbs,
he's crawled from here to there.
Oh, yes! he's been in the kitchen.
I see his crooked crumb trail,
which leads to our white kitten,
with a chocolate, sticky tail!
In every room I search
for my little chocolate mess.
Then, I find him in the my bedroom,
with his hands on my new dress!
(Darlene Gifford)
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
When this planet is invaded by the aliens, I’d still hold your hand.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
I’ve been looking for you, and I hope you’re as sweet as jelly beans.
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
Summer went swimmingly this year.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
Are you a dentist? Because my heart beats faster when I see you.
When is it okay to Love thy neighbor? When her husband is away on business.
I'm cold just thinking about Canada. Let's cuddle.
How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys an extra case of beer. What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis? The man. Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
“Winter is like fall except you need five pairs of leggings instead of one.”
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."
Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.
Which baseball player makes the best pancakes?
The batter.
Every piece of you is sweet.
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
The local band stand was struck by lightening yesterday while the band was playing.
Only the conductor was hit.