What is the collective noun for cars?

Pack of cars.

What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.

Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.

What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.

What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice

What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!

When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

I ride share to work regularly, but if I'm in the backseat when we go through a tunnel I have a massive anxiety attack.
My doctor diagnosed me with Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

Why are hands so reliable?
Because you can always count on them.

Bacteria is the only culture some people have.

I used to be part of a ten pin league. Our team name was 'Bowl Movement'.

If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.

I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.

You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.

It's a nice night for a white rice fight.

What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!

What do you call an angle that is adorable?
Acute angle.

I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.

Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.

Want to go for a ride?

I just watched Sunday Night Football.
There were Lutz and Lutz of field goals.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.

“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends

What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.

What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land

I’m soy
into you.

What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.

What kind of emotions do noses feel? Nostralgia. Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the "barking" lot!

A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).

What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.

What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.

When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!

(Santhini Govindan)

Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.

It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.

The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection

Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.

I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.

How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.

I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.

Officer: “I’m sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a truck.”
Me: ”Yeah I know, but she’s got a great personality though!”

What was the conversation like at the dinner party with all the boring flowers?
Like pollen teeth.

What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky

I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.

There once was a boy named Dan,
who wanted to fry in a pan.
He tried and he tried,
and eventually died,
that weird little boy named Dan.

You need to go out on a date with me right now. Alex-plain later