The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
Boy: You know quickie has u And i together.
Girl: Too bad ugly starts with a u.
Don’t be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people get is to take a bite out of you.” – Zig Ziglar
What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
Why couldn't the alpha helix say the alphabet?
Because it broke up every time it got to L-amino P.
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
It’s so cold the local graveyard put heaters out for the ghosts.
What do you call a diving dog?
A sub woofer.
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it can pay for plastic surgery." ~ Joan Rivers
What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy? Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
“The safest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
I don’t wanna taco ‘bout it
Are you a box of BD pen needles? Because you are ultra-fine.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
How does a shark greet a fish?
Pleased to eat you.
So I attended a salsa class today
The instructor says to everyone: "Alright folks, who's ready to learn how to dance??"
I realized that there was a misunderstanding, and ran off with my bag of tortilla chips.
What did the hobo say when he lost his jacket?
I'm cold.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” —George Burns
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
I am glad my mobile phone has GPS because I am totally getting lost in your beautiful eyes.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” - Rita Rudner
Your beauty is blinding.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
Your eyes are so blue I feel like I'm in the sky when I'm with you.
King Arthur had a knight in charge of determining property boundaries.
Sir Veyor
What do you call a rabbit who is angry over getting burnt? A hot cross bunny.
Why did the rooster cross the road?
He had something to cock-a-doodle dooo!
Why do chickens rinse their mouth out with soap?
Because of all the fowl language.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.
Call me a pirate and give me that booty.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
How did the macho bee with eczema feel?
B-Itchy