How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
"Your kisses are to dye for."
I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
Why do bees stay in the hive during the winter?
Swarm.
If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard.
Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?
Classical conditioning.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
You don't like the outdoors? Unbe-leaf-able.
"You need kissing badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed often, and by someone who knows how."
- Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind (1939)
"I would make a skeleton joke, but you wouldn't find it very
humerus."
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
Is your name Scarlett? Because when I saw you my heart was gone with the wind.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
How do you know when your dog is lazy?
When it chases parked cars.
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
“What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.”- Henry Youngman
Are you like this mountain? Because I can’t seem to get over you.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
Wel'l Wel'l Wel'l - if it isn't autocorrect.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
What did the irritated crow said to his fried?
I won't talk to you if you don’t stop ravening.
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
“I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.” – Anonymous
Why did Karen press Ctrl-Shift-Esc on her keyboard?
Because she wanted to speak to the Task Manager!
You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.
What did the ghoul say to the clown on Halloween?
Tag, you’re it!
“When life hands you lemons, give them back. You deserve chocolate.”
― Unknown
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." - Hy Gardner
Are you a volcano? Because I lava you so much!
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.