What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you?
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
A priest, a rabbit and a deacon walk into a blood bank.
"I think I might be a type o." said the rabbit.
Call me Ishmael. Or just call me.
Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.
Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.
Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.
"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha, I found you Newton!"
Newton replies "No, you found Pascal."
"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
As soon as the ancient Egyptian kings come to know about the pyramid scheme, they stopped building monuments immediately.
I hope it doesn’t rain Halloween night.
That would dampen spirits.
Will you be the perimeter to my world?
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
You’re wine in a million.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.
Are you sure you're not a tower? Because Eiffel for you.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Challah if you see me in the streets. Will do.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Please keep your flowers,
And your poems too.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
“Never eat more than you can lift.”
Miss Piggy
You’re the queen of my heart.
GF - I'm sorry babe but I've cheated on you.
BF - I'm sorry as well, I've also cheated on you.
GF - April fools day!
BF - Mine was on the 24th of March.
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
“What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.”
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
"Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery after three years?"
Werewolves love their fast food.
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
What do a dog and a cell phone have in common?
They both have collar ID.
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
A gang of ravens scared off individual crows and cornered them together. Well, you can say that a conspiracy of ravens preplanned a murder of crows.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
"What did the yogi tell the door-to-door salesperson who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners? Too many attachments!"
- Sadhana Yoga
Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
Because you can only get down from a goose.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
Her: "Buffalo meat is delicious. What are they made of? Beef?"
Me: "No... They're made of buff."