Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
You're as hot as a desert summer.
What did the stamp say to the envelope? Stick with me and we will go places!
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
Ever heard of Cawsmopolitan? It is one of the best magazines for crows.
"To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times." —Mark Twain
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
What do you call a group of chess players bragging about how they won in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
Did you just fart?
Why, because I blew you away?
No, because you smell like sh*t.
“A baseball game is twice as much fun if you’re seeing it on the company’s time.” — William C. Feather
How do cats say goodbye in Italy?
Miao.
I knew a detective who always wore a cat costume.
One day I asked him why.
He told me "I am always in purrsuit."
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
Why does it take so long to shave a giant sheep with normal-sized clippers?
Shear size.
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
Mmm baby! You’re decomposing in ALL the right places!
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
"The Porcupine"
Any hound a porcupine nudges
Can’t be blamed for harboring grudges,
I know one hound that laughed all winter
At a porcupine that sat on a splinter.
– Ogden Nash
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time
I caught my friend harassing some electricity. I told him it was an abuse of power.”
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet? blood-thirsty hacker baby
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
"Every garden is unique with a multitude of choices in soils, plants and themes. Finding your garden theme is as easy as seeing what brings a smile to your face."
- Teresa Watkins
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
Who earns a living driving their customers away? A taxi driver. What do you call a laughing jar of mayonnaise? LMAYO
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn't a fjord a new one.
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."
- Carroll Bryant.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!