My love for you is like an exponential curve. It’s unbounded.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
An Australian army vehicle worth $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.
“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference.”
- Charlotte Gray.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
Baby, you’re like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems.
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
What do koalas do when they’re facing a tough situation? They grin and bear it.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
We caught the drummer of our band masturbating over his drum kit...
I guess the pervert thinks of them as s*x cymbals.
What do zombies say to their sweethearts?
- I chew-s you.
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
I brought a new vacuum cleaner.
It sucks.
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.”
Linda Grayson
Have you heard about the chef on space station? He’s not that much of an astronaut, but his food is literally out of this world!
You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.
The only thing sweeter than pumpkin pie is you, baby!
CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase
What do cows in Greece sound like?
They say µ.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.
Girl, are you fries? Because I would like you at my side.
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Pretty lady, I guess wishes do come true, seeing as a boy like me met a a girl like you.
My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
What is the car dealership in Star Wars called?
The Mazda-lorian
What book of the bible do you read on a beach?
The book of psalms trees.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
I've been trying to think of an electrical pun but now my head Hertz.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice krispies.
Why don’t you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
How many legs does a dog have if you call the tail a leg? Four. Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
Abraham Lincoln