“All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.”
- Erma Bombeck.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
What do you call a girl who is standing directly in the middle of the court? Annette.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie."
— Jim Davis
Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
How hard is it to lose a wife? Nowadays its almost impossible.
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
How do I know many hundreds of digits of pi greek and not the 7 digits of your phone number?
Will you give me your number or will you let me spend the whole night guessing the digits?
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
For breakfast I had ice cream
With pickles sliced up in it;
For lunch, some greasy pork chops
Gobbled in a minute;
Dinner? Clams and orange pop,
And liverwurst, slicked thick---
And now, oops! Oh pardon me!
I'm going to be sick!
(William Cole)
You must be Australian because you've turned my life upside-down.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Christmas - The only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.
Do you use Spotify free? You should join my Premium Duo for all the features.
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
What has leaves, is green and a trunk? A houseplant heading on vacation.
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Would you like to share fire with me?
I once had a conversation with a dolphin.
We just clicked.
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"
What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself on the television?
HDMI
How do you stop a man from raping you? Throw him the remote control.
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
“We’ll be best friends forever because you already know too much.”
— Unknown
"Better to keep silent and let people think you are a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."
- Abraham Lincoln
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
Where do bad jokes about skeletons belong?
In the skelebin.
What's the hardest tea to swallow?
Reality.
I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.