I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
Hey, does this handkerchief smell like CHCl3?
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
As soon as you find someone who has bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they're a keeper!
Why did the farmer cross the road?
To get his chicken back.
This vacation has been sand-sational!
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
If you drop your white shirt in the Red Sea, what will it become?
Wet
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.
What’s the name of the Grim Reapers hair salon?
Curl up and dye.
What do you call a thriller movie involving cars?
Suspension movie.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
What type of car did the mushroom drive by in? A spores car.
I would like to take a moment and thank my eyeballs.
Thanks for looking out for me.
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What is red and not good for your teeth?
A brick.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
I had a colonoscopy yesterday and I think the doctor must have got carried away.
I said to him, "Can you back that up a little, it's irritating my tonsils."
Have you heard of the martial artists who fought on the beach?
They faced off in sand-to-sand combat.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
Baby, are you a slippery pool deck? Because I’m falling for you.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
I like you sow much.
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
Aunt: Aw, look at you. You've got your father's eyes
Dad: Son, where's my glass eye?
I like the way you espresso yourself.
“Due to lack of interest. Monday has been canceled.”
Has anyone ever told you that your eyes are as clear as crystal? Because I can see straight into your soul.
“The mud will wash off but the memories will last a lifetime.”
"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception."
I'm attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
Shouldn’t we be carbon dating right now? Let’s get on with it.
What do you call a FISH with no Eyes? A FSH.
The poor werewolf was busy chasing his own tail. We were later told that he was trying to make ends meet.
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
I can love you more than a cowboy loves a fat calf.
You are my semicolon; always present in everything I do.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.