I named my phone "The Titanic" because it's always syncing.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
I'm usually not very prophetic.
But I can see us together.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He’s got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”
- Jeff Foxworthy.
What vehicle has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
"The more you know, the dumber you sound to stupid people."
Anonymous
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
You look so sweet that you're giving me a cavity.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
I mist say, this is a pretty bad joke, but it haze potential.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
You're so beautiful, even the leaves fall for you.
“In a household of toddlers and pets, we discover this rule of thumb about happy families, that they are least two-thirds incontinent.”
- Robert Brault.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
It’s so hot even my wife’s heart is melting.
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
You’re sucrose, you’re glucose,
You’re fructose and more,
From your head to your feet…
Which are stuck to the floor.
You’re Hershey’s, you’re Snickers,
You’re sweet English Toffee.
If you spit in my cup,
You’ll just sweeten my coffee.
I love you so much
That I’m getting frenetic,
But I can’t even kiss you,
’cause I’m diabetic.
(Kenneth J. Miller)
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
You’re so beautiful you make me want to bloom.
"The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don't think so." - Nora Ephron
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
You're as classy as the first Pan Am flight.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Did all Europeans give Native Americans smallpox on purpose?
Or is that a blanket statement?
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
It’s so cold my money turned into cold, hard cash.
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
— Anonymous
"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown
Why did the man lose his job at the orange juice factory? He couldn't concentrate!
Who tells the best egg jokes?
Comedi-hens.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
My race time today was much better than yesterday. I was in a whole different gear.
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
An oyster from Kalamazoo
Confessed he was feeling quite blue.
For he said, "As a rule,
When the weather turns cool,
I invariably get in a stew."
“Gardeners know the best dirt.”
— Anonymous
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly