Why did the ghost go to the big Labor Day sale? He’s a bargain haunter.
I went to see a beet poet the other day. There were lots of hip peas there.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris CAN touch this.
I love Physics, but I'm terrible at Math.
I hope in doesn't Matter.
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
I had some impure water so I boiled the hell out of it and collected the condensation...
Now it’s wholly water.
Physics puns are no joke. It’s a relatively dark matter.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What do Saturday and Sunday have in common with the corona virus?
The weakend.
“I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends.”
— Unknown
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
Your beautiful face looks like a field of flowers.
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
- Jack Prelutsky
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
Why don't you want to sleep in the sheep pen?
It would be total bedlam!!
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
Dublin’ the fun.
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
Which country hates Thanksgiving?
Turkey
I didn't think I was a snowman, but you just made my heart melt
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
Yo mama's so old, she’s probably going to die soon.
Friend you’re one year older
Time waits for none, I think.
Since weather’s getting colder
Let me buy you a drink.
I’ll make sure it’s really hot
And quite the tasty brew.
Now let’s drink up to the thought
I’m not as old as you!
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair." ~Sam Ewing
What was it like to fight Medusa?
- At first I was afraid, then I was petrified...
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger's shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
On the 7th day, God rested … and Chuck Norris took over.
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
I beg your garden?
I told my boyfriend I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.