I've come up with a list of the top 10 types of specialized chairs.
Number 3 will shock you
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
A boy sees an alligator in the zoo and shouts,
“Hey, are you a caiman?”
The alligator replies, “I’m alright, thanks, kid!”
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
A space fish is usually called starfish.
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
Why did the giant ape climb up the side of the skyscraper?
Because the elevator was broken.
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
How did the skeleton know the other skeleton was lying?
He could see right through him.
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”
Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey)
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar?
You clothes it.
Why did the ram run over the cliff edge?
Because he didn’t see the ewe turn.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
Why was the broken refrigerator angry?
Because he couldn’t keep his cool.
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
Yally Bally had a jolly golliwog. Feeling folly, Yally Bally Bought his jolly golli' a dollie made of holly! The golli', feeling jolly, named the holly dollie, Polly. So Yally Bally's jolly golli's holly dollie Polly's also jolly!
Burst into cheers!
There was an Old Sailor of Compton, Whose vessel a rock it once bump'd on;
The shock was so great, that it damaged the pate,
Of that singular Sailor of Compton.
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jelly beans."
— Ronald Reagan
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
What's a pun's favorite movie?
It's a Punderful Life!
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
My partner has been having nightmares that he’s a truck. He always wakes up tyred and exhaust-ed.
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
What’s the opposite of Easter?
Wester
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
“Don’t be a jogger, they’re the one’s who find dead bodies.” – Amanda Brooks
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.