I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
“Aries: You can't handle me even if I came with instructions.”
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
“Be like a postage stamp. Stick to a thing till you get there.” — Josh Billings
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
Are you a corn farmer? Because I'm stalking you
"Over-easy like Sunday morning."
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
Whenever I see your eyes
There is something that I feel
You look so sleepy
As a bear after a meal.
(Unknown)
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
Why didn’t the horse tell her friend she was a thief?
She didn’t want to saddle her with that information.
I was riding my bike through the countryside when I was attacked by a herd of sheep!
Fortunately, I was only grazed.
I told you snow.
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
Having a ball
Why was the crow on the telephone wire? To make a long-distance caw.
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
"I love running cross country. On a track, I feel like a hamster."
Robin Williams
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
Darling, if you were cocaine I’d OVERDOSE!
I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve got 3 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in your basket. Marry me?
Are you into salads? Because I think I'm falling in lovage.
What time is it when people are throwing pieces of bread at your head?
Time to duck.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
“I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.” — Henny Youngman
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
What did the duck do after he read all these jokes?
He quacked up.
What is your favorite yoga pose?
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
I'm Havana dream about you.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd.