Where does a killer whale go for braces?
The orca-dontist.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
“Sometimes me think, ‘What is friend?’ Then me say, ‘Friend is someone to share the last cookie with.’”
— Cookie Monster
What did the painter say to the wall? One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!
“Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million-dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.”
- Jim Bishop.
On what radio station would you hear Bob Dill-on?
Vlasic rock.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
There is a German shepherd next door that keeps burying bones in my yard and taking poops on my flower bed.
His dog is not as bad.
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
Do you need some encourage-mint?
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
"Can you empty your pocket? I believe you have stolen my heart."
- Leverage
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
“People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.”
- Leo Burke.
Checked into a hotel and was offered the black & white or the rainbow room. I chose the rainbow one as I like a room with a hue.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
What do you call the generation of people that migrated from Italy?
Genitalia.
Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?
Because it has rust issues!
My love, you are the yin to my yang,
You’re the ice to my cream,
You are the pop to my corn,
You’re the day to my dream.
You are the honey to my bee,
You’re the sugar to my spice,
You are the sweet to my heart,
You’re the white to my rice.
Oh shoot, I’m so sorry!
I forgot you switched to a brown rice, low-carb, sugar-free diet!
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
"No wine left behind."
A berry funny strawberry candy is called a Laffy taffy.
Since i have COVID people tell me i enjoy bad music and movies
Guess i have become tasteless.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
What says “Quick, Quick”?
A duck with the hiccups
“If you think I’m funny now, you should see me when I miss Yoga.” — Anonymous
Man: I can make your bed rock
Woman: No you can't I have a Tempurpedic.
I am glad my mobile phone has GPS because I am totally getting lost in your beautiful eyes.
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
I have no idea how so many people didn’t make it out the labyrinth.
It only took me a minotaur two.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
Are you a ghost? Because you’ve been haunting my dreams.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
You're the sinoatrial node of my heart. Without you, even a defibrillator won't save me.
Can you hold my gloves for me? I usually wear them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
It’s so hot that my sprinkler released steam.
Q: Why didn't the Pharaoh know where he was?
A: He skipped history class.
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.