Do you know a bakery around? Because I would like to purchase a sweet like you.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
Where will Kim Jong-un’s ashes be stored?
In a Kim Jong-urn
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lion
Lion who?
Lion on your doorstep, open up!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
If ten zombies run after you, what time is it?
Ten after one.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
Two kittens on a sloped roof.
Which one slides off first?
The one with the lowest mew.
What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
I tried to make it to the end of the rainbow but didn't due to lilac of effort.
Some marine biologists argued about how best to handle angry dolphins.
The were working at cross porpoises.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
My dear, I’ve got some important news,
Please know it’s nothing bad,
But today I had to X-ray my head,
And your picture is all it had!
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
I’m sure people make jokes about getting older
You politely laugh with a quiet smoulder
I know you, always being so polite
Jokes about getting older aren’t always right
Don’t worry about it, age is just a number
Don’t you ever let anyone steal your thunder!
Happy Birthday!
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee…”
– Unknown
I'm actually way hotter than poutin.
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
The pie-maker couldn't eat any more strawberries because she was already stuffed.
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it… He's gay, definitely gay.
I love the name Charlie. Just wanted you to know I’d never Char-leave you.
Dog to Waiter: Are there any bones in this?
Waiter to Dog: Yes sir, why’s that?
Dog to Waiter: Because I really dig them!
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
The ancient Egyptian people knew how to prepare delicious jams. It was only because of their skill of preserving things.
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....
She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings."
So I got her nothing.
A man arrived to a gun fight with nothing other than a pencil and paper.
He then proceeded to draw his weapon.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
""Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." - Larry Lorenzoni
Why can’t minerals ever lie? They’re always in their pure form.
“Find a job you like and you add five days to every week."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
"There's no bunny like you."
Distill my beating heart.
You can stand under my umbrella.
Gold riddance.