What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
How many ears does Spok have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear and The Final Frontier.
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
I'm no curler, but I think I could sweep you off your feet!
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents.
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
I'd start a revolution for your number.
I was born in the wild but for you I would be domesticated.
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
When the first nuclear bomb was detonated all the neutrons were sad.
Because their parents had just split.
Foul Play Suspected In Death Of Man Found Handless, Bound And Hanged
What do tigers sing at Christmas?
Jungle bells! Jungle bells!
"Love may be the best driving wheel, but anger is a pretty good second."
– Steven Tyler
I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.
Who directs all of the movies about volleyball injuries? Spike Lee.
Oof – is the Aaron here really fresh or is that just you?
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.
What type of hairstyle is popular with polar bears?
Frosted tips.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
They're subwoofers
My dad always said the secret to theatre was to always leave them wanting more.
He was a great guy but a terrible anaesthetist.
There was an Old Person of Berlin,
Whose form was uncommonly thin;
Till he once, by mistake,
Was mixed up in a cake,
So they baked that Old Man of Berlin.
You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.
I once had a gerbil named Bobby,
Who had an unusual hobby.
He chewed on a cord,
and now -- oh my lord,
now all that's left is a blobby.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
Why did the bunny cross the road?
To go to the hare dresser.
We’ll have a ball.
What will you do if you come across a green alien? I’ll simply wait until it’s ripe.
I’m like planet Neptune. I’m attracted to the gravitational pull from Uranus since it is so big, and I cannot lie.
I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.”
George Burns
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
Why doesn't Mrs. Clause like to go outside in spring?
Because of all the rain, dear.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
A priest, a rabbi, and a monk walk into a bar.
They all get a drink, because bars in America are legally required to serve people of all religions.
I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
My personal trainer said I have to come over and talk to you for five minutes as part of my routine.
How did Benjamin Franklin feel when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!