How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
The Secret Service surround the President with twelve cows because they were attempting to beef up their security.
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
Can I help you carry your groceries to the car?
I know a family of artists but I am not sure how they make so much money...
Very sketchy people.
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.
It’s so hot I’m sweating like a politician on election day.
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
You know, your smile has been lighting up the room all night, and I just had to come and say hello.
Did you hear about the hungry clock? It went back four seconds.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pickle
Pickle who?
Pickle little flower and give it to your mother!
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
You make me want to upgrade my Tivo.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
Do you like free samples?
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”
- Wayne H
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
A lot of people can't understand why Daniel Day Lewis's twin brother Daniel Night Lewis didn't make it in the movies.
That's because the difference between them is night and day.
“Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” – Jon Stewart
Why will you never meet an ice cream workaholic?
They know how to chill out.
Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
The painter did not want to sit idle because he knew that time white for no one.
What does rain wear to a fancy dinner party? A rainbow-tie.
What do the squirrels do when they are bored ?
watch NutFlix
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
How did the mobile phone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
What kind of hunt is a marriage? One where the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter
And so are you.
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
What do you call a bee who never brags?
A humble-bee
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
“Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.“
Bill Murray
"Gray hair is God’s graffiti." – Bill Cosby
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.