Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
Librarians don't like drinking white wine. They prefer the well red ones!
Up for some action? I can finish with one touch.
A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
What's the deal with people who refuse to embrace technology?
Answers on a postcard please.
Was arguing with a friend in a restaurant recently when the waiter ran over and took the plate of garlic bread and the coleslaw. I wish he’d stop taking sides.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
“How did my driving test go? You could say I mailed it!”
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
When the baby onion died just after being born, the doctors classified it as an o-neonatal death.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
When his driving had gotten bizarre
Grandpa’s kids tossed his keys very far
So he hitched into town
Laid some good money down
And then simply brought home a new car.
I couldn’t help but approach, you’ve been on my mind Twenty four Evan
You're so clover!
Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
I now believe in Angels.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
I want to stretch with you.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
Are you a sweet honeybee? Because you have stung me in the heart
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Frank
Frank who?
Frank you for being my friend!
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
Steve Martin
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
The hipster beaver denied swimming in the river. He said it was too main-stream.
Will you be my G-Protein? Because I want to be coupled with you!
What do you call someone who owns a boat dealership?
A Sailsmen.
Did You Hear About The Duck Who Thought He Was a Squirrel?
It was one tough nut to quack.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”