I find you very a-peeling.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
I am looking for a leash-free relationship.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
What do you call an American Bee?
A USB.
Are you a Pepsi? Because you're so-da-licious!
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
What does the visual system use to play basketball?
Eyeballs.
Why was the pony so excited to be invited to a rally with the president?
It was a huge end-horse-ment.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
What’s a goat’s favorite musical?
Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Dream Goat.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
I bet you I could stop gambling.
I used to live in in Aragon, in Spain.
Then I left.
I'm Aragone.
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have? Baby Dinosaurs.
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
Deja brew all over again.
There was an Old Person of Ischia,
Whose conduct grew friskier and friskier;
He dance hornpipes and jigs,
And ate thousands of figs,
That lively Old Person of Ischia.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
Are you a lion of the sea? Because I’m sure, I’ll see you in my bed tonight, lion.
What do you call a cow that can play a musical instrument?
A moo-sician.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
My wife: Oh look, here's instructions on building a carpenter bee trap.
Me: Shouldn't they be able to do that themselves?
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.” – Jackie Mason
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
What's the first tea that comes in a teapot?
empytea
“I have removed all the bad food from my house, it was delicious.”
Why did some of the elves spell Christmas as N-O-E? Because Santa said No L!
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
With me with you, anywhere becomes the perfect Champ-site.