Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
How do mountains hear?
with mountaineers.
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
"Old age comes at a bad time." – San Banducci
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
I could go on and on about Salming but I don't want to Borje.
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillow cases?
They're really making headlines.
Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever?
Julius Sneezer.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
The sweetest and fruitiest historical wonder of the world is the Grape Wall of China.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.
"Military justice is to justice what military music is to music."
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."
Remember, kids, never let your guard down.
“Set your clocks at the start of the weekend so that you know just how much fun time you get to have. Then smash your clocks so you won't know when Monday starts.”
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance—waiting for the bathroom.”—Bob Hope
When are you going to invite me to church?
Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
How did the serve know when the bad serve was not with the hand? The server knew it was the foot fault.
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
What do you call a bat who gets a charge out of life?
A battery.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
I wouldn't say I liked the documentary that I had watched on the history of WD-40. It was non-friction.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
I'll make love to you if you want me to.
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
Wife: I’m sick and tired of your obsession with golf!
Husband: Why, is it driving a wedge between us?
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.