What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
Let me plant one on ya!
What did the queen bee say to the naughty bee? Beehive yourself.
I was only taught 22 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y TBH.
My mom always told me I wouldn't accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.
But look at me now, I'm saving the world.
It’s so hot I saw the Devil in Wal-Mart buying an air conditioner.
What do you call a goat who paints pictures?
Vincent Van Goat.
What is a medieval owl called?
A knight owl.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
How much does a flower love their friends?
Bunches.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
“We were married for better or worse. I couldn’t have done better and she couldn’t have done worse.” —Henry Youngman
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
One smart fellow, he felt smart.
Two smart fellows, they felt smart.
Three smart fellows, they felt smart.
Four smart fellows, they felt smart.
Five smart fellows, they felt smart.
Six smart fellows, they felt smart.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
Don’t be elfish.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”
Are you a verb? Because you look a little tense, but I can put you in the mood.
Which kind of jokes do gnomes like to tell?
Elf-deprecating puns.
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome
Rivers are...
the original streaming service.
A man walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender and says "I'll have a Corona please, hold the virus."
So my blood test came back positive.
Turns out I’m full of the stuff.
How did the pizza escape the oven?
Through the dough!
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold hard cash!
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
I got fired from the Calendar Factory yesterday
They say it's because I took a day off.
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."