What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
There was an announcement on the news the other day, we've finally achieved world peas.
What do you call a negative fog?
A pessimist.
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
You're so pharma-cute-ical!
What do you call a tooth in a glass of water?
One molar solution.
I'd make like Jacob and work seven years for you to be my bride.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.
One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"
That’s a bit mulch.
“You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.”
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
Why are flamingos the happiest birds? They live with no reggrets.
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.
Being related to me is the best birthday gift you could receive.
You may have crossed fifty
But mum says you are still nifty
You may have aged a bit
But young, is your spirit
You may have become weaker
But in your mind, you are stronger
Here’s a birthday wish for a dad
Who by heart, is still a teenage lad.
What do you call a snowman in July?
A puddle.
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
Who granted the fish a wish?
The fairy codmother.
What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
The tiger came went to the salon. Now, other animals of the jungle call him 'Shaved Khan.'
I'm researching the most common digits in phone numbers. What's your number?
Why don't we head to my bedroom, peel back my Star War sheets, and discover what a true Jedi can do with his lightsaber?
"Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
- Marilyn Monroe
Your feet must be tired, because you’ve been running through my mind all day long.
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
What do you call a martial arts expert in a tree?
Bruce Leaf.
Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to leave. You’re making the other girls look bad.
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
My game is just like Alexander Keith's: "Those who like it, like it a lot."
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." Charles M. Schulz, creator of Peanuts
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
Where do you find the nicest children in the world?
Germany. They're kinder.
Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.