What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
“Grandmas don’t just say “that’s nice”—they reel back and roll their eyes and throw up their hands and smile. You get your money’s worth out of grandmas.”—Unknown
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
What do you do if you see a blue banana? Try to cheer it up.
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
You’re my lucky charm.
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
What drug is illegal in the ocean
Sea weed
I was gonna make a river joke, but I don't think it's current.
I’m fondue you.
Can I claim your baggage?
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
Why are flowers so good at problem-solving?
They know how to nip things in the bud.
What did the flower tell his son before a big game?
I’m rooting for you.
“I married beneath me, all women do.”
—Nancy Astor
I mustache you a question..
but I'll shave it for later.
One Saturday morning at three
A cheese-monger’s shop in Paree
Collapsed to the ground
With a thunderous sound
Leaving only a pile of de brie.
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
My dad always told me I should sing tenor twelve miles away.
Q. Why couldn't the gorilla run in the marathon?
A. Because he's not part of the human race!
"Family Vacation (n.) A time for you to remember why your family never spends any time together."
What do you call it when two people make a baby in fog?
A mist conception.
Gluten-free, dairy-free, fat-free – I love this new Champagne Diet!
“Yoga. Because punching people is frowned upon.” — Anonymous
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.
We’re a cover band.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”
Jerry Seinfeld
How did the Pilgrims die?
It was the Pil-grim Reaper.
What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
How many worms does it take to eat a zombie?
It depends on the size of the zombie!
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
The biggest irony in the world's history is that the Russian alphabet has no letters in lowercase. It is all Capitalization.