What would the Egyptian doctor tell to the wife of the Egyptian Pharaoh? He said that she was going to become a mummy.
“No, please, don’t eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them!” - Homer Simpson
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is the bicycle repair kit.”- Billy Connolly
Just so you know I have a ref full of chocolate, a couch and good films at my house.
What did the snowman order at Wendy’s?
A Frosty.
Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.
What is Frankenstein’s favorite cheese?
Muenster.
Hey girl, are you looking for your knight in shining armor?
Well I just happen to be wearing the full armor of God.
A young man had just returned home from culinary school and was telling his family about everything he had learned.
"The most interesting thing I learned was about the French Fry", he told them.
"Combing through historical records, we found that it was not first fried in France!"
His family was astounded, and asked where it was fried originally.
"In Grease, of course."
What does the youngest flower child say?
Last bud not least!
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
Are you a werewolf? 'Cause I'm lycan what I see.
If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
Why did Iron Man sleep outside when it rained?
To get some rust.
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
Do you have a tan, or do you always look this hot?
Q: How did the Pharaoh Hatshepsut know it was time to retire?
A: He saw the writing on the wall.
I wanna Margaret your Thatcher.
It's really hard for me to plan our wedding without your number.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
My friend is trying to persuade me to invest in his knife making business.
He made some excellent points.
All the jingle ladies, all the jingle ladies.
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
A sphinx was guarding a road when a traveler walked by.
The sphinx said to the man, "You may pass if you can answer my riddle: What is wider than an ocean, heavier than a mountain, and unbounded by the laws of physics?"
The man thought for a moment and answered, "Imagination."
"Wrong," said the Sphinx. "The answer is your mom."
I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?
“You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.” – Jerry Seinfeld
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
There was an Old Man in a boat,
Who said, 'I'm afloat, I'm afloat!'
When they said, 'No! you ain't!'
He was ready to faint,
That unhappy Old Man in a boat.
After dinner my wife asked me if I could clear the table.
I needed a run up, but I made it.
Two tiny tigers take two taxis to town.
"Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!"
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are underaged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
What does a Saudi bee call its bros?
Habibees.
What do you call a werewolf that's found the cure for lycanthropy?
A lycan'tthrope.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
He ordered 6 vodkas, 6 beers and 6 lemonades. The bartender asked if he would like a tray.
"No I have enough to carry as it is."
What’s black and white and yellow?
A cowardly panda.
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
When Julius Ceasar got defeated by Brutus in 'Battleship,' he said, "A2 Brute?"
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
When I look into the future, I see you giving me your number.
What do chic evergreens wear for cruelty-free fashion? Faux fir.
What is the strongest creature in the ocean? A mussel!