Corona virus is just like pasta.
The Chinese invented it but the Italians will spread it all over the world.
Cell phones are a static symbol.
Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious,
shove a foreign object up my butt and film the whole thing!
Or as my doctor insists on calling it... a colonoscopy
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
“I have decided to cast my vote for any political candidate whose platform adds Monday to the weekend.”
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
What is the brain's favorite television channel?
The Neural Network.
Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Why did Chuck Norris wear knee pads?
He never liked Bruised Knee.
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
What does an evil penguin lay?
Deviled eggs.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown
You are as cute and cuddly as a Koala.
Nothing lasts forever. Can you be my nothing?
There was an enchanting young bride,
Who ate many green apples and died.
The apples fermented,
inside the lamented,
and made cider inside her inside.
I seem to find a way of sneaking chocolate into movie theaters..
.. I always have a few twix up my sleeve.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Centipede.
Centipede who?
Centipede on the Christmas tree.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
Easter? I hardly even knew her.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
I’m no Thomas Paine, but you and I are Common Sense.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
It's a nice night for a white rice fight.
It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
How do you beat a vampire at poker?
Raise the stakes!
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
"You'd better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart."
- Grey's Anatomy