“Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.”
— Sicilian Proverb
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
What kind of money does deer use?
“Bucks!”
Knock Knock
Who's There?
I eat grape.
I eat grape who?
You eat grey poo!
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
The sun must be jealous of you because you are so hot.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
Did you just hit me with a pitch? I'm feeling faint.
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
You're so clover!
My name is Spenser
No dog is denser
I'm not well smarted
But I'm big hearted
If you was hurted
I'd be alerted
And I'll come racing
To lick your facing.
(Jessica Amanda Salmonson)
Which dinosaur slept all day ? The dino-snore!
Did I Elijah’st fall in love?
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
I want to stretch with you.
What kind of cheese do rodents like?
Mousearella.
“Parenthood…it’s about guiding the next generation and forgiving the last.”
- Peter Krause.
You’ve got beauty like Petit Champlain and curves like Bonhomme.
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
Did I just step into an E. M. Forster novel? Because any room with you in it is A Room with a View.
What do you call a cow that plays the violin?
Moozart.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
Where do you smart hot dogs go?… On the honor role.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
Even the Chocolate factory doesn't make candy as sweet as you.
"How does it feel?"
she asks what.
"To be the only star in the sky.'
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
“I’m totally ‘that dad’ who leaves a note in my son’s lunch box. One day I’ll actually start putting food in there also.”
- Steve Ryan.
Hey babe, how about I plan a romantic weekend get away, and while I’m gone you can pack your shit and GTFO?
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
I went fly-fishing yesterday.
All I caught was two bluebottles.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper