What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?
One has strings and the other has strangs.
What should the real name for a colonoscopy be?
A colonoscopoo.
I really hate straws.
They suck.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
There are 2 types of people in the world. Those that can extrapolate from incomplete data...
Tennis matches and strawberry jam have one thing in common. Cons-serve.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
What did Abel yell to his brother when he noticed a storm coming?
Hurry, Cain!!
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
"Simple Truths About Family"
Family, the people you share everything with...
Including colds, looks, leftovers, and feuds.
Family, the people you love the most...
But pretend not to know when you're out in public together.
Family, the people you can really count on...
To borrow clothes, money, and get on your last nerve.
Family, the people you respect...
Even though you'd rather die than let friends find out how crazy they are.
Family, the people you just can't live without...
Even though sometimes you're pretty sure you'd like to give it a try.
– Kelly Roper
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
Mom, you’re so awesome,
I’d never want to trade,
You’re the best mother there ever was,
And I’m the best child ever made!
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
. How can you easily identify a dogwood tree? By listening to the bark.
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
Why should you never share a bed with a pig? They hog all the covers.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
I’m in such a Henri to get to France!
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
"I love my husband, but no matter where we are, I make him sleep closest to the door so if anything happens, he gets murdered first." — Jessica Valenti
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
You make my heart race, and there is no finish line.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?
Tootin' car man.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
There are many fish in the sea but you're the only one that's caught my eye.
Hey baby, are you made up of dark matter? Because you’re indescribable.
I feel bad for toilets.
They go through a lot of s**t
How did the sushi cross the road?
It was rolling.
What do you say when you go to a dinner with a bunch of osteopathologists?
Bone appetit!
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it."
Anonymous
“It's easy to find out who is going to become a tax collector. In the nursery, give all the kids lemons. The one who squeezes it dry is going to work for the IRS.”
“Let’s face it, I only practice yoga because the classes are always packed with beautiful women.” — Adam Levine
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
What’s the easiest way to catch a turkey?
Ask a friend to toss one at you.
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
How do whales make a decision?
They flipper coin.