The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
“Whenever I travel with my 4 young kids I always forget something. Like how stupid it is to travel with 4 young kids.”
– Jim Gaffigan
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see the crack in that bastard's reflection.
Lady Gaga
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
"Roses are red, violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you."
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
You know why women's eyes are so noticeable these days?
It's the mask era.
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
My exotic bird challenged me to a game of chess
I told him, "Toucan play at that game."
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off.
Go with me and you'll be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2.
“Winter is not a season, it’s an occupation.” — Sinclair Lewis
What do you call a communist vampire?
A red blood count.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
What are the favorite video games for basketball players? Shooting stars.
"If you don't believe in ghosts, you've never been to a family reunion." - Ashleigh Brilliant
I could have been an astronaut...
but my parents told me the sky was the limit.
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
When winter comes, this town turns into an iceburg.
I wish I was a Trypanosoma Cruzi so I could live in your heart.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
If we cross lobster bisque and Elon Musk, what we have is a soup-er car
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
“Every day is National Donut Day if you put your mind to it.”
― Unknown
“I would say that the hardest thing about being a parent is these goddamned kids.”
- Andy Richter.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
There was an Old Person of Anerley,
Whose conduct was strange and unmannerly;
He rushed down the Strand
With a pig in each hand,
But returned in the evening to Anerley.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
"Granny"
Through every nook and every cranny
The wind blew in on poor old Granny
Around her knees, into each ear
(And up her nose as well, I fear)
All through the night the wind grew worse
It nearly made the vicar curse
The top had fallen off the steeple
Just missing him (and other people)
It blew on man, it blew on beast
It blew on nun, it blew on priest
It blew the wig off Auntie Fanny-
But most of all, it blew on Granny!
– Spike Milligan
May I put my basketballs in your hoop?
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
Are you an angle? Because you're so acute.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.