I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
Call me Joshua, because I'm going to break down your walls.
Where there’s a Willow there’s a way… and I hope this was a good way to break the ice
A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking?”
Wife: “This is me, talking to the wine.”
Why couldn’t the baby horse eat dessert?
It was foal.
I’ve always liked one-liners. That’s why I’m a fan of monorails.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite holiday?
A. Ape-ril Fools Day!
“It’s a bit unnerving That doctors call what they do practice.”
Unknown
Wondering what crows prefer with soup, crows like crowtons in their soup.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
What happened when the tiger ate the comedian?
He felt funny!
I almost had a predicament trying to call someone in the same room as me. It was a close call.
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
I’ll never fir-get.
My friend has just won the tallest Christmas tree competition
I thought to myself, 'How can you top that?
Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? Because the cow has the utter.
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
There was an Old Man with a gong,
Who bumped at it all day long.
But they called out, no more,
You're a horrid old bore,
So they smashed that Old Man with a gong.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
"There is no income tax in Russia. But there's no income."
— Will Rogers
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
It’s so hot polar bears are wearing sunscreen.
“The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.”
- Charles De Gaulle.
Give me just a FRACTION of your heart and I will SOLVE all of your problems.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
To a deep scholar said his wife:
“Would that I were a book, my life!
On me, then, you would sometimes look.
But I should wish to be the book
That you would mostly wish to see.
Then say, what volume should I be?”
“An Almanack,” said he, “my dear;
You know we change them every year.”
(John Dryden)
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.”
Johnny Carson
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
What do you call a mouse who can pick up a horse? Sir!
You must put a lot of spices in your food because you look smoking hot.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
I saw two guys wearing matching clothing and I asked if they were gay.
Then they arrested me.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
I like to reminisce about the surgeon who removed my spine.
Really takes me back.