We must be near an airport, because my heart just took off when I saw you!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
I’m jealous of your stethoscope… I am the one who should be wrapped around your neck!
Asked the librarian rather loudly for the wifi password. He said "Sshhhhhh!" I asked "is that all lower case?"
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
What did the old Egyptian get by staring at the river?
See-Nile!
What falls all the time and never gets hurt? Rain.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
What is a monkey’s favourite cookie?
Chocolate Chimp!
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
How do bats tell their future?
They read their horrors-cope.
“I thought I’d become an actress, but then I realized I eat too much.”
― Chelsea Handler
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
I red a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
What do you call a ruler of Egypt that hunts whales with a folding bed?
Futon Harpoon
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
“I’m giving thanks that we don’t have to go through this for another year.” — Adele Larson, “Home for the Holidays”
I always love pressing F5 on my keyboard.
It's so refreshing.
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
You are my butter-half!
Henry VIII had breathing troubles - he had no heir!
Girls just wanna have sun.
What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"
If you do bowling and for some reason you can’t hear a pin drop, something could be wrong with your bowling.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
Beware, gnomish merchants, they tend to shortchange people.
“An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.”
― Unknown
Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.
I hate hard drives...
...they byte
What happens when you’re too harsh on the cranberries and make them sad?
They turn into blueberries.
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
What do you call a titan that can't swim?
Titanic.
What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”
After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
Losing a spouse can be hard.
In most cases, it’s damned near impossible.