Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?
I’m more interested in you than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time with each other.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
People are always after me lucky charms.
What do you call a big boat full of fish
A carp ark.
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
“Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.” — Don Herold
I'll never forget my grandfather's last words to me before he kicked the bucket. He looked me in the eyes and said, 'Son, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?
Why did the raccoon cross the road?
He saw you put out the garbage.
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
What do ponies look for in a vehicle?
Lots of horsepower.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
Do you like vegetables because I love you from my head tomatoes.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
Are you the online order I placed a few days ago? Cause I’ve been waiting for you all day.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
Roses are green,
Violets are blue,
I’m colorblind.
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
What do you call a married man vacuuming? Doing what he's told...
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
Girl are we doing high altitude training because you just took my breath away!
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
What game do little bats like to play?
Batty fight.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Did you just hit me with a pitch? I'm feeling faint.