If a clown farts...
Does it smell funny?
A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
Where do penguins go to the movies?
At the dive-in!
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
“You scratch my beak and I’ll scratch yours!”
Where is a frog's favorite place to eat?
At IHOP.
I saw a documentary today about a submarine that recycles 87% of its garbage.
But I believe this sub's doing even better!
Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend but he kept asking her for another shot.
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
A Chinese Guy stands next to me in a bar and starts drinking
I asked him: "Do you know any of those martial arts like Ju jitsu, or Kung Fu?"
"Why do you ask, is it because I'm Chinese?"
"No it's because you're drinking my beer."
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
Who does May like the best?
April Showers, because April Showers brings May flowers!
Hey girl, are you a newspaper?
Because you get picked up by random guys on the bus.
What did the pig exclaim when the wolf grabbed its tail?
“That’s the end of me!”
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
Oof – is the Aaron here really fresh or is that just you?
I slipped some Great Barrier Reefers in yur drink.
Wow, you’re such a catch. I could never let you Chlo-e.
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
It’s your birthday at last
You’re getting old fast
Each year whizzes by
Oh how time does fly
So put on your skates
And have a quick blast
Before it’s too late
And your whole life has passed
What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.”
Groucho Marx
“There. Right there is where you lost your darn mind!”
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
After the guy broke his arm skiing, he realized it was all downhill from there.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Shave a single shingle thin.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
The skeleton didn't mind that everyone called him a bonehead.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
Why was the ghoul so smart?
He always ate brain food!
You had me at taco.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?