A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
"Being a good husband is like being a standup comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld
The medieval queen was unhappy when she saw that it was pouring outside. She sighed to herself, "This could be another reigny day."
Why is "dark" spelled with a K?
Because you can't C in the dark.
Snow on and snow forth.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
A book fell on my head. I can only blame my shelf.
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? Because you are BeAuTi-ful.
"Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy."
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
What happens if you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
“I love yoga, but the namaste thing only takes you so far.” — Jillian Michaels
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
My blind friend did LSD for the first time...
There was a lot more tripping than usual.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
“I have such an ego ’cause I’m a double Leo. I can’t let go of me, you know, so it’s very difficult for me to be somebody else and not me. I’m so into me.”
— Paul Mooney
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
What do you call a super articulate dinosaur?
A Thesaurus.
What race makes for the edgiest bards?
Rock gnomes.
I am a dog.
And you are a flower.
I lift my leg up.
And give you a shower!
Why did the Dalmatian have to go to the eye doctor?
He kept seeing spots.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
Why did Henry VIII struggle to breathe?
He had no heir!
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
What’s the definition of butter?
An angry goat.
Due to covid most exotic dancers have been furloughed.
Basically, they’ve been stripped of their source of income.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
What do you call an ear with no eyes
No-eyed ear
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
How do you trap a drum kit?
Use a snare
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.