“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money.” – IRS auditor
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.
I whale-y like you.
Did you hear about the gnome cop?
He works in lawn enforcement.
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
– Lucille Ball
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Bless you.
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
Driftin with an attractor like you, baby, is always 'drag free'.
Are you a Frappuccino? Because I want to be that whipped cream on the top.
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
Who fixed people's backs in ancient Egypt?
Cairo practers.
Would you sit on my feet while I do push ups?
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
A weeping camel is known as a humpback wail.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?
He's on a round house kick.
“I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.”
- John Lyon.
Maybe this world is another planet's hell. -- Aldous Huxley
How do mares keep track of their boyfriends?
A stud book.
“I’m not retiring, I am graduating . . . retirement means that you’ll just go ahead and live on your laurels and surf all day in Oceanside. It ain’t going to happen.” – Junior Seau
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
Why did the dragon cross the road?
He was dragged on by his mum.
Chuck Norris can ski up a mountain.
Are you a 45-degree angle, because you’re perfect.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
Q: Where can a tornado be jailed?
A: In a high pressure cell.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
What is a dolphin’s favorite TV show? Whale of fortune.
This relationship is kinda like the Superbowl LIII halftime show; I can’t wait for it to be over.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
The skeleton would love to see the latest horror flick, but he just doesn't have the guts for it.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
What happens when you run in front of a bus?
You get tired.
What happens when you run behind a bus?
You get exhausted.
What are police cars made of?
Copper
“Somedays you eat salad and go do Yoga. Somedays you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants. This is called balance.” — Unknown
Did you hear about the shampoo shortage in Jamaica? It's dread-full.
I thought love had it in for me,
it didn’t treat me nice.
It kicked my butt and ran me down
and crushed me in its vice.
Love would do me in, I knew.
What saved me from that fate?
You came into my life, of course,
and now love treats me great!
(Susanna Rose)
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
Why did the dog cross the road?
Because he was chasing the chicken.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
I rode my bike so much, I had to put a new set of wheels on it. I was about to put a third set on it, but the old bike didn’t work anymore. which is understandable. The bike was already retired.
Why was the viking boxer loved so much
He ragna"rocked" the house