I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
What is it called when two spies hug?
A bond-ing moment.
What kind of musical instrument do mice play?
A mouse organ!
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
Why are you bringing me to this mountain river after our couple therapy session?!
Our therapist said I need to valley date you.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
There was an Old Man in a tree,
Who was horribly bored by a Bee;
When they said, 'Does it buzz?'
He replied, 'Yes, it does!'
'It's a regular brute of a Bee!'
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
My wife threatened to leave me if I didn't stop making monster puns.
So I guess our relationship might as well be ogre.
What do you call a Pharaoh who plays the trumpet? Tootin'khamun.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
“Road Trips: Because they’re cheaper than therapy.”
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
A man was about to propose to his fiancé but as soon as he got down on his knees, she started laughing.
It was a fun knee moment.
“There’s something boring about people who have to go to an office for a living."
~ Karl Lagerfeld
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
What kind of man can you actually change?
The ones still in diapers.
I only like smooth leather
and my opinion will never be suede.
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
You’re the Higgs boson particle of my life… Because without you, my universe wouldn’t “matter.”
Why can you never trust an artist? Because they are a bit sketchy, a little shady and will always try to frame you.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
How much will $20 get me?
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
Denise sees the fleece,
Denise sees the fleas.
At least Denise could sneeze
and feed and freeze the fleas
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
What do ghost cowboys wear?
Boooots.
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.
Archeologists say that mummies are very hard to find. Because they're all kept under wraps.
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Cops should feed beans on very tiny plates to the suspects they're interrogating.
That way they're always gonna end up spilling the beans.
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
There was a Young Lady of Dorking,
Who bought a large bonnet for walking;
But its colour and size,
So bedazzled her eyes,
That she very soon went back to Dorking.
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
Why are pilots so bad at basketball?
Because they're always traveling.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.