When God integrated Planet Earth, he didn’t forget his integral calculus lesson.
He remembered to add the sea.

You've got great posture. I'd love to see you flow sometime.

If we were binary, you’d be the one for me.

Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies

The Christmas alphabet has noel.

Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.

“Friends come and go, like the waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay, like an octopus on your face.”
— Unknown

"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel

A Zen Monk is talking to a hot dog vendor.
"What will you have?" asks the vendor.
The Monk says, "make me one with everything."

A sloth walks in to a bar and waves to get the bartender’s attention, and says I’ll have...... a soda water.
The bartender replies “why the long paws?”

Because of you, I laugh a little harder, cry a little less, and smile a lot more.

There’s no reason to wine about you.

A little less conversation, a little more action please.

I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.

Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

The wolf crossed the road because it was chasing the chicken.

What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.

What’s a farmer’s favorite piece of furniture?
a COWch.

I might need a doctor, because you're Dublin my heart-rate!

When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.

I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.

What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.

Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"

These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns

Baby, you've bought yourself a cruise on the Love Boat. I'll be your captain.

Take me to Papa John's, because this is love at 425 degrees.

A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high

When Miss Acid told her husband, Mr Alkali, she was pregnant...
He exploded with anger.
It wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.

When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.

What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.

There was a Young Lady of Parma,
Whose conduct grew calmer and calmer;
When they said, 'Are you dumb?'
She merely said, 'Hum!'
That provoking Young Lady of Parma.

What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”

Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.

What do you call a ghost of a man with a broken leg? A hobblin’ goblin.

Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record

Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!

How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.

I have wondered at times what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress. -- Ronald Reagan

What do a mommy bee and a daddy bee make when they have alone time?
A babe-bee.

“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley

What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!

What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?
Nacho cheese!

Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?
Because they can’t even.

What’s the most expensive kind of fish?
A gold fish.

What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...

I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.

What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein