Of all the girls I’ve seen on here, you’re at the top of m’Alice-t
What do you call an elf who runs away from Santa's Workshop? A rebel without a Claus!
What does Satan shave with?
A hell razor.
Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
Would you like to come over for tea and crumpets?
How did the cutlery greet the steak?
Knife to meat you!
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
What do you call a shark that can’t stop singing “U Cant Touch This?”
An M.C. Hammerhead.
“If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.”—George Bernard Shaw
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
After suffering weak gain at the poles, the National Transistor Party has been trying to energize their base.
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”
- P. J. O’Rourke
Flamingos are great at surfing the internet. I think it’s because they have webbed feet.
I have to pay for a bus ticket?
I guess it's only fare
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one"
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
Do you celebrate Boxing Day? Because you're the whole package.
How did they determine that the shark attack victim had dandruff?
Because all that washed up on the beach was his head and shoulders.
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
How did the charger get rich?
He made a killing in the shock market.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
What is the cutest car?
A BM-cuddle-U
What did the lightning strike survivor say when interviewed?
"It was shockingly powerful. Like, it really Hertz"
Which tree is more annoying, pine or oak?
Pine. Because pine needles while oak leaves.
I bought this strange novelty baking pan shaped like Camelot.
I think I'll break it in by making a castlerole.
The colonized do not like British tea. They only want liber-tea.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
The ham's on your pillow,
The egg's in your sheet,
The bran muffin's rollin'
Down under your feet,
There's milk in the mattress,
And juice on the spread -
Well, you said that you wanted
Your breakfast in bed.
(Shel Silverstein)
How do you drown a Hipster? In the mainstream.