When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
I loaf you a lot.
Let’s go to bread.
I rang the fishing helpline today and said, "I'm rubbish at fishing, can you help me?"
The guy said, "Can you hold the line?"
I"No."
What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
What's the most important day in Egypt?
Mummy's Day.
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.
What is it called when bigger burgers fall from the sky?
Meatier showers.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
How Rudolf you to say that!
I like milk and cookies but I would rather have you.
Did I just step into an E. M. Forster novel? Because any room with you in it is A Room with a View.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided if the cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
I just had a pint of kangaroo beer
It was a bit too hoppy for me
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
New electric trains will run on conductors.
“I heard about a trend where, this Thanksgiving, people made tiny turkeys. You may know them by their other name: chicken!” — Jerry Seinfeld
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
I was struggling to find out how lightning works. And then it struck me.
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
Hey girl, I can't wait to see your body - of Christ.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
My girlfriend said to me, "I'm sick of you pretending to be a detective. I think we should split up."
I said, "Good idea - we can cover more ground that way."
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
Skiing is believing!
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
Mark Knopfler is opening a Chinese restaurant
He's calling it Wok of Life.
How do two programmers make money?
One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
If you're alone and get too cold, you might become ice-olated.
“Sagittarians are aliens disguised as humans.”
— Ramana Pemmaraju
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
“A good friend just told me that the key to a successful marriage was to argue naked! I’m gonna do that from now on, when that rarely happens.”
— LeAnn Rimes
Why can’t Tommy the T-Rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.