I really hate straws.
They suck.
Daniel? More like Daaammnnn-iel
I thought, I thought of thinking of thanking you.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
- Dad, where are the DVDs? Where's Shrek, I want to watch it.
- Somewhere ogre there.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
Where does a dinosaur lay in the sun? At the dino-shore
Our school trip was a special occasion.
But we never reacher our destination.
Instead of the zoo.
I was locked in the loo.
of the toilet at the service station!
I used to sell loose onions
Until I got the sack
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
You must be from Paris, because you're driving me in Seine.
“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m unoriginal,
This is all I can do.
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
What's a horse's favorite sport?
Stable tennis.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
What do you call a medieval spearman who is self employed?
A freelancer.
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
How do pink birds make friends? They fla-mingle.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
Bad saxophone players should be put on some kind of public list.
I want to know if I'm living next to a registered sax offender.
France is beautiful in every Cezanne.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
I'll be your farm boy if you'll be my Princess Bride.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
You are so good at jogging, you came straight for my heart.
Why is the fireman buried on the top of the hill?
Because he is dead.
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”
—Yoko Ono
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
“Carpe per diem – seize the check.” – Robin Williams.
If pigs learned to fly, would the price of bacon skyrocket?
skyrocket
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.