What's it called when a buffalo turns two hundred years old?
A Bisontennial!
Advice for those in,
a difficult position.
First, be flexible.
Contrary to belief, Wikipedia actually has less factual errors than traditional printed encyclopedias.
Source: Wikipedia
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
Are you a time traveler? Because I absolutely see you in my future.
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite game?
A: Twister
Ooh, you look boo-tilicious!
Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant.
“I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.”
— Stephen Wright
Roses are red, Violets are blue, You make my heart skip, I think I have Mobitz type II!
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
What's the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
Why can you never use a serve receive pattern against a sniper? They’d all start running for cover.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
“Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache” – Mae West
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Permission to board?
I passed my degree in sound engineering. I got 1-2-1-2!
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
You can hold my hand if you're afraid of camp fire stories.
You look like my future ex wife.
What do you call a female clown?
April Fools.
I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.
“Marriage: sometimes soulmates, sometimes cellmates.”—Rory Elder
Chuck Norris beat the sun in a staring contest.
Hey girl my heart is anywhere you are.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
My father hates Thanksgiving.
It's all about the stuffing.
He says it smells like day-old socks.
So on his plate goes nothing.
He grits his teeth and goes to bed.
It gives my mother grief.
I think next year, this holiday,
instead we'll eat roast beef!
- Denise Rodgers
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
Why did the Blonde go to Taco Bell? To pay her phone bill.
Local weather reports state there won't be any rain for 1 year, but I drought it.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.