If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
It’s really easy to send a nice card to a flamingo. You just write “Hope you have a flamingood…”
Asked my son what his favourite thing about Popeye was.
He said, "Forearms."
I said, "No, he only has two."
My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
"Never order barbecue in a place that also serves quiche."
— Lewis Grizzard
"I'm nuts about you."
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
You’re right up my alley.
What do you call a parrot without feathers? Bald!
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
What did the robbers take from the music store?
The lute.
You Eliza-bet I’m asking you out right away
"When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half-eaten sandwich."
— Violet Matters
That's not my age; it's just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I'm staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
What do you call a medieval dentist?
A plaque doctor.
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
Where do horses go on vacation?
Flankfurt.
I love when you coddle me.
"Do you wake up as I do, having forgotten what it is that hurts or where, until you move?"
– Jeanette Winterson
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
"I believe that the good Lord gave us a finite number of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running up and down a street."
Neil Armstrong
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
I’d love to spend some time Matthew
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
I tried to write funny love poems for you,
I attempted as well some cute and silly ones too.
But it seems I haven’t yet learned how to rhyme,
So, I beg of you, honey, please give me some time.
One of these days, I will figure it out,
Until then, I hope that you will not pout.
Trust me, my man, you really do inspire me,
I’m just not good with words, as you can plainly see.
It’s not that easy to come up with love poems, you know,
So, for now, I’ll just find another way for my love to show.
(Unknown)
What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
When I heard my sofa had been stolen, I thought “I’m not going to take this sitting down”.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.