Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
The artist successfully climbed the highest peak in the country. He attributed his success to the song, 'Paint No Mountain Higher!'
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
This may be the wine talking, but I really, really, really, really love wine.
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
Definition of Irony - When the Year Of The Rat starts with a plague.
Are you from Sheffield? Because you’re steeling my heart.
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
Who doesn't eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey - because it is always stuffed!
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
When the AC circuits in your home are hit by a DC lightning bolt..
It's a current affair.
What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
My friend has an excellent nose for wine...
It's shaped like a corkscrew!
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
Why did the skeleton want to join band?
He wanted a trom-bone!
You're like baseball: A thinkin' man's game.
Why did the ghoul eat a light bulb?
Because it wanted a light snack!
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
Today, we had to create a new hang position for some lighting fixtures. After all day trying, we couldn't get the new batten hung properly.
Turns out it was just a pipe dream.
What's the similarity between a sailor and a thief?
Both have a phobia for sirens.
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
“Your typical six-year-old is a paradoxical little person.”
- Louise Bates Ames.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
What does a beaver from Philly drink?
Wooder.
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon
A lunatic.
Girl, if you were a dinosaur, you'd be a Gorgeousaurus.
Your sweater must be made out of wife material.
Are you a ghost? Because you’ve been haunting my dreams.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.