Join us for a slice of fun.

Why did the college football team stop smoking
They lost all their matches.

Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft

My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”

What type of pool do mechanics like best?
The car pool!

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Ivan.

Ivan who?

Ivan to do something naughty with you.

I have bean
thinking about you.

This movie is not the only thing in the room that's feature-length.

Dr. Phil says that I am afraid of a commitment. Do you want to prove him wrong?

I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.

Stay away from Gmail if you don't want to get shivers down your spine
There's clearly a draft in there.

What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef

I’m a handsome prince and my sword is no trick.

People often accuse me of "stealing other's jokes" and being "a plagiarist." Their words not mine.

It’s so hot ice pops are melting in the freezer.

What kind of diet did the deer go on when she was trying to lose weight?
A non-deery diet.

Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.

When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?

"When you’re older, Friday means less parking spots." - Larry David

I get so mad when the heater is on.
I don't know why, I just lose my cool.

Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”

Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!

My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.

How does Mr. Bean introduce himself in Spain?
Soy Bean.

I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.

They say that the cardio system is the work of artery, but it is really just vein.

“A baby changes your dinner party conversation from politics to poops.”

- Maurice Johnston.

Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.

I went into the kitchen and found that someone replaced all the cutting utensils with spoons
That wasn't knife.

Readers do it by the book.

Hey baby, are you made up of dark matter? Because you’re indescribable.

What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.

Why are owls so good at math?
They excel at owlgebra.

What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.

Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.

What do you call a bee you can't understand? A mumble bee.

Which one of your children will never grow up and move away? Your husband. How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it.

Date me and all of your problems will be polygone.

Volcanoes are rude! They are always int-erupt-ing.

What was the most common sandwich in Ancient Rome?
A Plebeian J

Prisoner: "I’m sorry I tried to escape."
Guard: "I’m not mad, just… disappointed."

Remember, kids, never let your guard down.

Seas the day.

If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.

What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady

If ice cream could be grown on the tree top,
Tiny tummies would be liking it lots.
Any fruit flavour
For all to savour.
Do stop by at the ice cream tree shop.

If only the trees could grow lollipops
With a sharp tangy taste of lemon drops.
Lolly licky-lick
With a zingy twist.
Come along with a skip and a hop.

If chocolate heaven grew on tree leaf,
Bountiful, tempting, delicious to eat,
A smooth, silky, treat
In a chocy feast.
If only they weren't so out of reach.

If bubblegum grew upon trees that blew
Bubbles in the air, to catch and to chew.
Be nimble, be quick;
Remember the trick.
Don't swallow, because gum sticks like glue.

All are welcome at the Candy Tree Shops.
Feast your eyes on all the goodies they've got.
There are enough treats
For all down the streets,
So come and join the jiggery-jog.

(By Beryl L Edmonds)

Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.

Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.

It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.

If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.