What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
The first time ever I saw your face I thought the sun rose in your eyes
“The definition of eternity is two people and a ham.”—Dorothy Parker
Eosin is red. Collagen stains blue. I’m stuck prepping slides, but thinking of you.
When is the worst time to have a heart attack?
During a game of charades.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
How did the skeleton bring his groceries home from the market?
He used his Cart-ilage.
“This is the first year I’m not going to Fiji because of COVID-19. Normally, I do not go because I am poor.”
— Brooke Miller
Are you at the Chanel store? Because you are way too fancy for me.
I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.
When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?
Every time I passed a ring-shaped coral reef with a coral rim that encircles a lagoon, I had to pay a fee. It was atoll.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
What type of fruit includes Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.”
Miles Kington
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
“I find that ducks’ opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether I have bread."
- Mitch Hedberg
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.” –Anonymous
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
"It's fun to complain with someone. Nothing brings us together more than complaining about other people. That might be the thing that holds us together more than anything." Lew Schneider
Are you talking about your aunt on your mom's side, or...
Deodorant?
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
Having a ball
Why did the soccer player bring string to the game? So he could tie the score.
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?
What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa