Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?
Because they dropped out of school.
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
You are my raisin to smile.
What do skiers order at fast food restaurants?
Icebergers with Chilly Sauce, on the slide.
Are you a pizza at a Chinese buffet? Because I want you, but can I trust you?
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
What do you call a flying elephant?
A jumbo jet.
You read, white, and blew my mind.
Baby, you light up my mood like the way chocolate can.
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
“If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.”
Billy Wilder
Do you like yoga? Because I could downward dog you all night.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
[Pool Noodle] That’s using your noodle!
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
What does a fish say when it runs into a wall?
DAMn!
What is suns favourite chocolate bar?
A milky way
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Nice wrapping but I need to inspect it.
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
Teacher: Use a sentence that starts with "I"
Bobby: I is...
Teacher: No, Bobby. You should say "I am", never "I is".
Bobby: "I am the 9th letter of the alphabet."
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
I was sitting there quietly, eating a bag of potato chips, when my wife came in and shouted at me…
''What's wrong with you, moron!?''
Shocked, I asked, ''What?!''
''Open the bloody bag!''