I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
My pet parrot, Nickel, just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
The summer sun makes me as happy as a clam at high tide.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
Where do apes like to cook their sausages?
On the gorilla.
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo,
I had to put my foot down.
There are many grounds religious children can practice their soccer skills. However, most of them love the prayground.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
Many people think that when warm droplets of water in the air are rapidly cooled it forms fog.
But it’s actually a common mist-conception.
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
“Nothing burns like the cold.” — George R.R. Martin
Baby, you're a firework.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
I'm local, all natural, homemade and certified organic: wanna taste?
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.
I like jokes. But jokes about air conditioners?
I'm not a fan.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together
Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.
Hey Caleb, I think I leb you already.
Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
Why do zombies only date intelligent women?
They just love a woman with brains.
What did a duck say to the comedian?
You quack me up.
Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.
My daughter told me COVID stinks and she misses her teacher...
I told her "I Ms. your teacher too."
Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.
Give me your number so I can make the call.
When do mummies eat breakfast?
Once they catch you.
Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants!