Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!”
Anonymous
“The waste of money cures itself, for soon there is no more to waste." ~M.W. Harrison
A couple is lying in bed.
The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
Excuse me, I think you dropped something: My jaw.
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
I saw a twinkle in her eye I have not seen since the neighbor children discovered our new electric fence.
David Hyde Pierce
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
Why did the firefighters bring a dog along with them?
To help them find the nearest fire hydrant.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None because it's a hardware issue.
We’re calling your number.
I don't want to be alone. Help me make it through the night.
Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.
To everyone in the Christmas Tree industry
You all do a great job! Stand up and take a bough!
Why did the nose cross the road?
Because he was tired of getting picked on.
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....
It was always just one ting after another.
What is it called when a tree has back problems?
ScoliOAKsis
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
Well, I have to say I am William-pressed with you
I killed a spider with soap
He got a clean death.
I was going to make another mountain pun but I can't think of summit.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
Cows don’t make very good cops. They refuse to go on steak outs.
Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
Dolphins don't have accidents.
They do everything on porpoise.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
My girlfriend and I saw an inflatable gorilla In front of a jacuzzi store
She asked me why they would do that for a jacuzzi store. I told her it was a guerilla tactic. She was not impressed.
I'm the Norse god of mischief but I don't like to talk about it.
I guess you could say I'm low-key.
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
What type of dog would be the best at portraying Tina Turner?
An Angela Bassett Hound.
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?
Hymn and Hers.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!