My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
There was a young lady of Cork,
Whose Pa made a fortune in pork.
He bought for his daughter,
A tutor who taught her,
To balance green peas on her fork.
I give roughing a whole new definition.
Are you a compound of beryllium and barium? Because you’re a total BaBe.
Why is "dark" spelled with a K?
Because you can't C in the dark.
I take romance to a new level - I don't cuddle, I hibernate.
Is there such a thing
As turkey in a can?
If there is, I will buy it;
It doesn’t matter the manufacturer’s land.
As long as it’s edible, I’ll dig in deep.
I can no longer eat
My wife’s Thanksgiving meat.
- Natasha Niemi
Are you undressing me with your eyes?!
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Should you have that annoying distant auntie for Thanksgiving dinner?
It’s really not worth it. Just have the turkey.
Your name must be Jelly... cuz jam don't shake like that.
“Being a mom means kids banging on the bathroom door like SWAT, asking for a drink, while you’re in the shower. And Dad is in the kitchen.” – @SarcasticMommy4
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
Are you the square root of -100? Because you’re a solid 10 but too good to be real!
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the kids have to play indoors.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
You’re like a pair of goggles; without you, everything’s a blur.
Until I saw you, I didn't believe I'd ever see an arctic fox.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
I do not want anything fancy just you and a whole bowl of chocolate ice cream.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
Jack has a large neck so he decided to wear a bowtie to his wedding. Otherwise, he’d end up with a tiebreak.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo? A turkey that can pluck itself!
Which roman emperor was a mouse? Julius cheeser!
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
You’re a unit of electrical energy, Harry.” I’m a watt?”
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don't know.
To get to the idiot's house.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
The chicken.
Hitler jokes are rude, Anne Frankly I don't care.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
My landlord said we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied: “Sure, my door is always open.”
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature
How do planets staying busy during hunting season?
By shooting stars.
How is it that elephants are always ready for a swim?
They never forget their trunks!
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
What do you do with a green ghoul?
Wait until it ripens!