What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
Why shouldn’t you drive with a vampire?
He will drive you batty.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including yourself."
— Anne Lamott
The only thing hotter than today is you.
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
One of my neighbours was stealing things from the local supermarket whilst sitting on the shoulders of two vampires. He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
What do you call two polar bears jerking each other off?
Bipolar.
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
He threw three free throws.
“The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.”
Unknown
“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
What is a car’s favourite band?
Van Halen.
What was the most flexible dinosaur? Tyrannosaurus Flex.
Wow, you're so cool in this hot weather that my freezer is jealous of you.
Are you a burger? Because you can be the meat between my buns.
Djokovic to his friends the morning after winning the U.S. Open: Is anyone hungry for some Denny’s? Because I would like another Grand Slam.
What did one beaver say to the other at the river? Dam it.
I have the perfect emoji that describes you, but it would look much better next to your number on my phone.
What do you get for diving into a wave of oranges.
Vitamin Sea.
Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
“Did you know that Father Christmas has a daughter? Her name is Mary Christmas.”
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.