Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.

I didn't know if I could crawl through heating vents to escape from prison...
After I duct, I found I conduit!

What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand

Two frogs fell into a bucket of cream
And must paddle to keep afloat;
But one soon tired and sank to rest
With a gurgling sigh in his throat.
The other paddled away all night,
And not a croak did he utter,
And with the coming of morning light
He rode on an island of butter.
The flies came thick to his island home
And made him a breakfast snappy.
The milkmaid shrieked and upset the pail,
And froggy hopped away happy.
We can all find a moral in this rhyme,
And should hasten at once to apply:
Success will come in the most difficult time
If we paddle and never say die!

At a recent job interview, the hiring manager
asked me if I can perform under pressure.
I said: "No, but I can do Bohemian Rhapsody."

Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.

Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.

“A good friend will always stab you in the front.”
— Oscar Wilde

Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?

Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.

What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.

IF YOU GUYS SEE A LINK ON FACEBOOK THAT SAYS "GET A MILLION DOLLARS FOR FREE" DON'T CLICK ON IT.
IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR PHONE'S KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCK.

How many birds can cross the road?
Toucan.

Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.

How to be evil:
Hide all of the desktop icons on someone's computer and replace the monitor's wallpaper with a screen-shot of their desktop.

What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.

"It's unnatural for people to run around the city streets unless they are thieves or victims. It makes people nervous to see someone running. I know that when I see someone running on my street, my instincts tell me to let the dog go after him."
Mike Royko

Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius Strip?
To get to the same side.

Are you aware we are headed to the kissing gate?

Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.

"Grandma's Off Her Rocker!"

In the dim and distant past,
When life's tempo wasn't fast,
Grandma used to rock and knit,
Crochet, tat, and babysit.
When we were in a jam,
We could always count on gram.
In the age of gracious living,
Grandma's life was one of giving.
But today...
Now grandma's at the gym,
Exercising to keep slim,
She's off touring with the bunch,
Or taking all her friends to lunch.
Driving north to fish or hike,
Taking time to ride her bike.
Nothing seems to block or stop her,
Now that grandma's off her rocker.

I used to have wavy hair... Turns out it was waving goodbye.

The ref better give me 2 for hooking, 'cause baby I'm hooked on you.

Why don’t bears eat fast food?
Because it’s hard for them to catch.

What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!

What do you do when you are in the wrong seat?
Stand corrected

Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.

Please don’t joke about my eyeballs.
It’s a sensitive area.

Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.

What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.

I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.

I am on the train and a light just came on saying the toilet is engaged.
Congratulations, toilet!

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.

How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.

Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!

My bedroom now has a stained glass window....
A pigeon just flew right into it.

"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."

- Bob Hope

“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White

I was so embarrassed when my wife found me playing with my son’s train set that I threw a blanket over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.

How did they punish the longshoreman whose improper ship mooring caused the destruction of a pier?
They docked his pay.

How do you know the French Onion is Canadian?
Because the oignon est!

What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!

"People who say “Good morning” should be forced to prove it."
– Unknown

I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.

“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”—Rodney Dangerfield

It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.