Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…

My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”

Hi, I'm a fashion photographer. Would you like to be in my next photo shoot?

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Needle.

Needle who?

Needle little love right now.

“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright

Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.

What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.

What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers.

Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.

What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!

Bodies Needed To Look After Graveyard

What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla

Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.

What's the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot's father?
One is a pop fly and the other is a fly pop.

Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)

Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.

Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.

What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.

Turtles love taking shell-fies.

As a baseball player, I know my way around the bases.

I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex

I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'

Your name must be Summer because you are hot.

What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
IT’S A LIEEEEE!!

What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.

I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.

Entwining your fingers in mine
The feeling is simply divine
Running my hands through your beard
Is anything but weird
Rubbing our bare feet together
Is the epitome of pleasure
When our teeth accidentally clash
I love the way we laugh

(Anonymous)

Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!

How do you learn more about spiders that live in the rainforest? Check out their web site!

What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.

A trip to Ireland always lifts my spirits.

You know what they say? Words.

Sips getting real.

“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”

- Nate Smith.

What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.

I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking out of this relationship.

What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.

How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.

What does the fish say when she disagrees with her husband?
I don’t quite sea it that way.

Why are elephants scared of computers?
Because of the mouse.

My father was a blind carpenter
until he picked up his hammer and saw.

"The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." - T.S. Elliot

What did the grouchy mushroom say to the loud mushroom? - Put a cap on it.

Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.

Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!

My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.

I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.

What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!

Moses was leading his people through the desert for 40 years. It seems, even in Biblical times men avoided asking the way.