We are looking pitcher-perfect.
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
What do you call a mathematician's spouse?
Their significant figure.
Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
Why don’t bats sleep like the rest of us?
They can't get the hang of it.
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
Bookworms take shelfies.
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face?
A mouse-tache!
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor? Rabbit De Niro!
Money can't buy me love but it can buy you a drink
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
“Because the greatest part of a road trip isn’t arriving at your destination. It’s all the wild stuff that happens along the way.”
– Emma Chase
Q: Why did the tornado take a break?
A: Because it ran out of wind!
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which he replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."
What type of knife do chefs use to connect to Bluetooth?
A pairing knife
There's this video game about an FBI psychologist hunting a Viking Angel of Death....
I believe it's named Valkyrie's Profile.
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
There was an Old Lady of Prague,
Whose language was horribly vague;
When they said, 'Are these caps?'
She answered, 'Perhaps!'
That oracular Lady of Prague.
“Money and women. They’re two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn’t do for anything else. Same with money.” — Satchel Paige
I didn't know snow angels could fly as pretty as you skiing.
My ex-husband was very responsible. If anything went wrong, he was usually responsible for it.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
Girl, it makes sense and sensibility for us to go out.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
It's better to amputate at the shoulder,
Its twice as much work to cut off forearms.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
What happened when the snowgirl had a fight with the snowboy?
She gave him the cold shoulder.
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery." ~ Spike Milligan
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.