There once was a scientist mad
Who kept clones of himself as a lad;
He arranged them on shelves
And taught all of his selves
To shout loudly (in unison) ‘Dad!’
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
Hay girl, I'd like to have a stable relationship with you!
What key has legs and can't open doors? A Turkey.
Why did the czar cross the road?
To get to his car.
In this day and age of technological breakthroughs, we surely can’t be far from a country song where a guy’s self-driving truck leaves him too.
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle.
It was a vile inn.
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons."
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
Angel, I want to run all the way with you.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
Why do turtles never forget?
Because they have turtle recall.
Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.
“What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job.”
- George Carlin.
“My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.” JP Getty.
Girl, you must be blue because you’re the hottest star around right now.
My son asked me, what’s a Greek urn?
I said, “about 20 drachmas a day.”
People tend to compare aging to a bottle of wine.
You find yourself a little stout and round,
And dust may litter your behind.
Like the grapes that create a fine wine,
The fruits of your labor have become your wisom from age.
Timeless and valued beyond compare,
And the lable may need a bit of repair.
But unlucky for you,
None of this is true.
I wish I could say something better,
My friend, you have aged like cheddar.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
What do you call a handsome seal?
Mr. Seal Yo Girl.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
Why did Frosty the snowman want a divorce?
Because he thought his wife was a flake.
I want your flesh rocket in my hot pocket.
Not everyone looks good with a wig
But I think you could really pull it off.
What did the zombie say when she fell out with her vampire friend?
- You're dead to me!
Your beautiful face looks like a field of flowers.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I run by again?
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
Did you hear about the volleyball players who are getting married? They say it was love at first spike.
Q. Why are orange jokes so dumb?
A. Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
Did you hear about the golfer who started a colonoscopy clinic?
He does 18 holes a day.