I can’t believe you have the de Gaulle to say that to my face.

What do you call it when you get mugged on the vernal equinox?
The first robbin’ of spring!

How come the mummy doesn't want a telephone? Because he always gets too wrapped up on his calls.

How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.

What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster

What do you call a horse that moves around a lot?
Unstable.

What is the difference between a glass of wine and a man? A glass of wine hits the spot everytime.

“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”

Knock, Knock

Who’s there?

Can!

Can who?

Can I worm my way in to your house!

Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.

“Nothing compares to the stomach ache you get from laughing with friends.”
— Unknown

A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”

"Messy Room"

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater's been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or--
Huh? You say it's mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!

– Shel Silverstein

Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.

What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.

Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.

Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson

My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.
I responded "You mean a four-can?"

How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner

What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud

Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.

What did the earth say to all the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.

“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow

Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.

What do dogs say when something cool happens?
Paw-some.

I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.

Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.

“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”

- Julia Roberts.

The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.

Q. Why can't computers play tennis?
A. They try to surf the net.

What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.

"I love when my kids tells me they’re bored. As if the lady standing in front of a full sink of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time." – Unknown

I really hope corona virus can't spread through s*x
It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.

Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."

How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.

I hope I'm on your list of things to pick up today.

“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous

After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.

You’re Isaacly my type

"I've found some bunny to love."

Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.

What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.

"Dad, what's it called if I like both boys and girls," the buffalo said.
"I believe would be a bi-son," his father replied.

What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.

"A good run is like a cup of coffee. I'm much nicer after I've had one."
Unknown

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.
Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

The best Sunday I can think of?
You, me, a good movie, and mimosas with no pants on...
Oh sorry, I meant bottomless mimosas.

What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.