Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
He threw three free throws.
I'm pine-ing for you.
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight? A power failure.
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
Dog heaven must be missing an angel.
Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Tiny Chihuahua,
Humongous Great Dane.
The difference between them
Is really quite plain.
Feisty Chihuahua
Will yap-yap and yip.
If he doesn't like you,
You may get a nip!
Gentle Great Dane
Has a powerful bite,
But never would nip you.
She's much too polite.
Great Dane finds the carpet
A fine place to nap.
Chihuahua loves curling
Right up in your lap.
Their owners would have
Some cause for dismay
If each dog behaved
In the opposite way!
(Kristin Frederick)
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
Two white bears got married, but soon ended up unhappy and got divorced.
It’s as if they were polar opposites.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
What sound does a space turkey make? "Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!"
It’s so cold the anticipation of waiting for my ketchup to come out of the bottle lasted three months.
You brighten up my day just like the anti-fog spray for my goggles.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
There was an Old Person of Leeds,
Whose head was infested with beads;
She sat on a stool,
And ate gooseberry fool,
Which agreed with that person of Leeds.
Wow, your name makes sense because you’re truly Audrey-m come true
Did you hear about the skeleton that was almost picked apart by a group of wild dogs?
He marrowly escaped.
Did you hear the gossip about the owl who hooked up with his boss?
I won’t tell you hoo.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
Are you a beaver? Because I like your tail.
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
What do you call nomadic gnomes?
Gnomads.
Do you know what rhymes with cucumber?
Can I get your phone number?
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I said it was me,
It was actually you.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
What is it called when a skeleton lawyer works for free!
Pro Bone-O.
I had to do something about my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers.
Cold turkey was the only way to do it.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
I read a bunch of news articles dealing with lightning strikes recently.
I'm trying to keep myself knowledgeable about current events.
I'm opening up an old folk's home in Tijuana.
Señor Citizens.
I was sick, and my whole body turned colorful. The doctor took a look and said that I had a color infection, which is caused by the Crayola virus.s