“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
— Unknown
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
What do you call a well-dressed ant?
Eleg-ant.
Gardening is a matter of your enthusiasm holding up until your back gets used to it
— Author Unknown
“I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.” — Homer Simpson
Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!
“Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.”
– William Shakespeare
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
If man’s bet friend is a dog, would a unicorns best friend be a corn dog?
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
A guy walks into a bar.
Which is unfortunate because he has a drinking problem.
Are you a 45-degree angle, because you’re perfect.
My friend told me to come and meet you.
He said you're a really nice person. I think you know him.
Jesus, yeah that's his name.
Last night at dinner we had some fish,
and though I tried, I did not finish.
My mother told me while I chewed,
brains loved fish over all other food.
How rude-olf of you.
“Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I’m having problems you are always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you are always there. Let’s face it. You are bad luck.”
— Unknown
Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
Sorry for raining on your parade, I really thought it'd be snow problem.
I look at you and wham! I'm head over heels
Why did the chicken run across the road?
To get to the other side faster.
Yesterday, I bought my wife a cheese grater to use on cheddar and parmesan, both of which I hate.
It was the grater of two evils.
The real reason Hitler killed himself is because he found out that Chuck Norris is Jewish.
"Life is uncertain. Eat dessert first."
– Ernestine Ulmer
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
What does a trumpet and a baseball have in common? People cheer when you hit them with a bat.
Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon. “A bacon tree ! We’re saved!” He says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
What is it called when two Irish couples go out on a date?
Dublin.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
“Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.”
Sam Ewing
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
What did one maggot say to the other who was stuck in an apple? Worm your way out of that one, then!
Roses are red, bananas are yellow, wanna go out with a nice little fellow?
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
Are you an alien because you abducted my heart long ago.
I followed my heart to you.
What explorer was the best at Hide and Seek?
Marco Polo.
Why was the bouncy castle so expensive? Due to the cost of inflation.
How can you tell that vampires love baseball?
They turn into bats every night.
Did you hear about the egg laden rabbit who jumps off bridges? He’s the Easter Bungee!
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
Apart from being a running gear model, what do you do for a living?