Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
A blond rings up an airline.
She asks, "How long are your flights from America to England?"
The woman on the other end of the phone says, "Just a minute..."
The blond says, "Thanks!" and hangs up the phone.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool? His lightsaber”
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Glow!
Glow who?
Glow worm!
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
I’m kind of a big dill.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
Fall is a-maize-ing.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
Why did the gnome visit his mother?
To get a gnome-cooked meal.
"There are two ways of waking up in the morning. One is to say, 'Good morning, God,' and the other is to say, 'Good God, morning'!"
– Fulton J. Sheen.
Man: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Woman: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
A man went to buy long underwear cause the weather was getting cold. The cashier asked " How long would you like them"
"From march to September", said the man.
Take an Avonleap of faith and go on a date with me!
Girl, you're so expensive, my insurance is requiring prior authorization before our first date.
What did the mountain say to the hill on Valentine's day?
You make my heart gush, I lava you.
Why are crows so interesting?
Just beCAWse
Anybody who can complete tasks atop the surface of their lower kitchen cabinets is...
counter productive.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A music critic.
Q: What did the cloud say to the lightning bolt?
A: You're shocking!
Your gloves are nice. Where did you get them?
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
Are you a musician? Because you make my heart go staccato.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
We have two turkeys at our house
'cause Mom and Gramma fight.
Neither one of them believes
the other roasts it right.
There's also two of stuffing,
two of home-made berry sauce.
Let's face it, there are two of each,
'cause both of them are boss.
We eat it all , some food from both,
in order to be nice.
We also make quite sure that when
we burp -- that we burp twice!
- Denise Rodgers
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
My dog is quite hip.
Except when he takes a dip.
He looks like a fool,
when he jumps in the pool,
and reminds me of a sinking ship.
The interesting the about engineering Toilet Paper.
It's an a-ply-ed science.
Sorry for stating the obvious
But you look good!
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
I wish you were a fish in my dish.
How many drum sets can you store on a sofa?
One per cushion
“I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.”