What do computers eat for a snack?
Microchips!
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
I hopped on the bus yesterday afternoon. After a few minutes, the driver asked me to sit down like everyone else
Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Golf: a game where you yell fore, you get six, and you write five.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
This vacation has been sand-sational!
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
Can you run with me so I can tell my friends I've ran with an angel?
Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!
- Sarah Ziman
Do you prefer stiff or limp fishing rods?
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
Riding a camel really isn't as hard as they say it is.
Once you get over the first hump, the rest is easy.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
Are there people following you?
Because I'm seeing someone behind your back.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
How many dumb blonde jokes are there? None they're all true stories.
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!
Whenever I’m in France I always start the day with a bowl of mushrooms...
Breakfast of champinions
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
Why wouldn’t the papa bear use a navigation system in his truck?
Because he never lost his bearings.
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
Copernicus was wrong, you are the center of my universe.
Why was John always at the casino? He’s addicted to gambling.
I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve got 3 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in your basket. Marry me?
My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed
They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.
What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
When can your cup of coffee tell the weather?
When it's muggy.
Can you can a canned can into an un-canned can like a canner can can a canned can into an un-canned can?
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!