Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA

What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.

Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.

You're like Newton's laws.
Not perfect, but good enough.

I'd give me right arm to be ambidextrous!

"Bee"

A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.

¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!

– Denise Rodgers

What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"

My handsome and wonderful man, I love you,
I feel like my life is so fresh and so new.
Thank you for all that you do for me,
It’s because of you that I feel so very free.
You truly are the best man in town,
Now do me a favor and put the seat down!

(Unknown)

What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!

Something in the way you move attracts me like no other

"Nobel Prize for Mothers"

Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.

Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!

And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!

You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!

And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.

What’s a good name for a detective?
Mr. E

My wife and I have the same shoes. I guess you could say we are solemates.

Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.

Man: What do math and my dick have in common? They're both hard for you
Woman: You must be a math problem because you're annoying and difficult. I don't wanna solve your problems for you.

Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!

“Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world, but they are also terrorists. You’ll realize this as soon as they’re born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.”

- Ray Romano.

"Slow runners make fast runners look good. Thank you."
From the back of a T-shirt

What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.

“I’m so naive about finances. Once my mother mentioned an amount and I realized I didn’t understand, she had to explain, ‘That’s like three Mercedes.’ Then I understood.” – Brooke Shields

Hi, I hear you’re good at algebra… Will you replace my X without asking Y?

Irish food is legen-dairy.

Row row row your boat.
Rowing gently down the stream.
Life is so extreme.

I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received in the last 10 years.

What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.

what do people win at fancy grammar competitions.
a posh trophy.

I hid the control for the TV
I’m not even remotely sorry.

Q. What do you get when you cross a doe with a bull?
A. A deery cow.

Starlight, Starbright, why don’t you come home with me tonight!

I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!

One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.” - Groucho Marx

“The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money"

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

What did the husband beaver say to the wife beaver to express his love and gratitude? You are the one for me, waddle I do without you?

Like America to Hawaii in 1898, you’ve annexed my heart.

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.

The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!

As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"

Who are the cousins of the werewolf?
What-wolf and When-wolf

How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.

My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.

What type of sandals do frogs wear?
Open-toad!

There was an Old Person of Rheims,
Who was troubled with horrible dreams;
So, to keep him awake
They fed him on cake,
Which amused that Old Person of Rheims.

Who's Denmark's greatest Zombie actor?
Rigor Mortissen

“Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.”

- Martin Mull.

What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".

What do cars have on toast.

Butter and traffic jam.

As I am walking towards my classroom, I get to know that my miss-is-sippi-ng my glass of water.