Funny meat-ing you here.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
We’ll kickoff the party with some cocktails.
England doesn't have a kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
“Deck the Halls with Bows on Collies.”
Why do poltergeists love haunting old theaters?
Because they can't wait to boo the performers.
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
Despite his puns being so orange-inal, nobody really likes them.
Hello, allow me to hi-Jack this conversation
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
I used to love puns about throwing things, but now I don’t.
It was just a fling.
Everyone said the wind was powerful. So, I went outside and was blown away.
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
We have a great connection since you’re wifi-material.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
What is the funniest fish in the sea?
A clownfish.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
They flipper coin!
What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
Why do zebras have stripes?
Because they don't want to be spotted.
"I'm so conflicted when my husband does the laundry. On one hand, he did the laundry. On the other, my clothes can now be sold at Gap Kids." - Molly McNearney
“I’m only a morning person on December 25th.”
– Unknown
I didn't want to have brain surgery but I had to.
I guess it changed my mind.
"Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon." - Doug Larson
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
If you can tell me the difference between Flag Day and the 4th of July, I will buy you a drink.
If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
Eye drops are technically blinker fluid.
There are so many jokes about classical composers I could write you a Liszt.
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
Aloha is a soft laugh.
It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
Do you like interjections? YES? NO! GOOD!
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
If you had the same amount of money as your phone number, how much would that be?