What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
Where do cows get together?
The meet market.
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?
How can a bear catch fish without a pole?
They use their bear hands.
"Mom look! I’m a 3D printer!"
"Ugh Tommy, close the door when you poop."
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
It was so cold that we pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside to keep warm.
What street does the hippocampus live on?
Memory lane.
Why didn't the brain want to take a bath?
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
It's so cold that trees are chopping themselves into firewood.
Alabama changed the drinking age to 34.
They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
What is a mountains favorite type of candy?
Snow caps.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
Yo baby, you want to see me solve a quadratic?
Are you tired? Because you’ve been Aaron-ing through my mind all day
Are Earth and Moon good friends? Yes, they’ve been going around together for many years now.
There was a young lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They came back from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
Do you know the Tango? Because you're dancing away with my heart.
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a shark?
An animal that talks your head off.
Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring? Because he heard it was 18 carrots.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
I’m like the Jean Baptiste-Colbert of relationships. I never trade with anyone else.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
I wrote a song about a tortilla. Well actually, it’s more of a wrap.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”
I used to adventure with a gnome, but he gave it up so he could focus on writing under a pseudonym. He became a gnome-de-plume…
What’s the coolest part of a skeleton?
The hip.
“Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.”—Unknown
What’s striped and bouncy?
A tiger on a pogo stick!
Girl, your really good at this catch and release thing. Every time I catch my breath around you, you make me lose it again.
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
Everybody romaine calm.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
With Coronavirus and our impending doom, I guess no one really had 2020 vision after all.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
What's the difference between a seal and a sealion?
An electron or two.
Do you like sub-bass? Because you just turn on my lower frequencies.
What do cats build to prepare for war? Cat-apults.
Why are plants the best chefs?
They’re succulent.