A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...
Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".
Lady: I can't see your computer...
Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.
Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!
Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...
Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
What did the llama say when the other llama asked if they wanted to go on holiday?
Alpaca suitcase.
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Somebody stole all my lamps… I couldn’t be more de-lighted!
What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
What do you call a detective who is also a real estate agent?
Sherlock Homes
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
I think we need to become better strangers.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
How does a potato win at Street Fighter? By mashing the kick button.
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
When Mr. Mushroom saw Miss Mushroom, he didn’t hesitate to ask her out on a date because he had she was such a fungi-rl.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
My husband asked why I never blink during se*.
I told him I didn’t have time to.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?
“You are only young once. After that you have to think up some other excuse.” —Billy Arthur
What is the deer’s favorite food group?
“Deer-y products!”
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
Adults are always asking little kids what they want to be when they grow up because they're looking for ideas.
Paula Poundstone
"There's something I've been wanting to say since the day we met - goodbye."
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
What did the deer’s mother say to her daughter on her birthday?
“I remember the day you were fawn!”
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
Mommy, Mommy, what’s a werewolf?
Don’t worry about that honey and comb your face!
“The more you’re loving and understanding, the more your kids will sing.”
- Maxime Lagacé
You snow the drill.
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
What's green and purple and goes up and down? Barney in an elevator.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Hoo.
Hoo who?
Are you an owl?
“Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?”—Dennis Miller
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
“SMONDAY: The moment when Sunday stops feeling like a Sunday and the anxiety of Monday kicks in.”
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.