A funny old bird is a pelican.
His beak can hold more than his belican.
Food for a week
He can hold in his beak,
But I don’t know how the helican.
(Dixon Lanier Merritt)
What is the most effective way to cook a crocodile?
In a croc pot.
“Perhaps one reason we are fascinated by cats is because such a small animal can contain so much independence, dignity, and freedom of spirit. Unlike the dog, the cat’s personality is never bet on a human’s. He demands acceptance on his own terms.”
- Lloyd Alexander.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
My Cobra pose isn't the only thing that's rising upward.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
Why did Chicken Little cross the road?
To warn the people on the other side that the sky was falling.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.
It will be for people who love meat tender.
Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
What is a seals favorite subject?
Art Art Art Art!
Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.
It’s so cold we had to punch a hole in the air just to get outside.
When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body... men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.”
- Paul Reiser.
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
"My Handprints"
My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.
“Money doesn’t solve all problems but it could solve my money problem.” – Anonymous
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
Why do blondes make bad bankrobbers? Because they tie up the safe and blow the guards
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
Woman’s Rejection: Sorry. I don’t date guys I pit-y
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
What do goats eat?
Goatmeal.
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
I must stop eating Snickers
I can’t fit in my knickers
Have less food on my plate
Won’t moan about my weight
(Jan Allison)
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
Someone keyed the music teacher’s car.
Fortunately, the damage seems to B minor.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
If you were words on a page, you'd be what they call the FINE print!
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.