"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
What did the Dalmatian say when he finished his meal?
That really hit the spot.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Nurse, can I have a little sugar to help the medicine go down?
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.
Just brew it!
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
You're like a dictionary... you add meaning to my life.
Irish you luck.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
The bartender asks one of The Beach Boys what they’d like, so he looks back to his friends
“Get a round?” “Round?” “Round?” “I’ll get a round!”
Why should you never do math with a tiger?
If you add 4+4 you're gonna get ate.
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
What do you call a bald spot on a cell phone salesperson?
A gap in coverage.
Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?
They prefer a casual tea.
What is a mouse’s favorite game?
Hide and squeak!
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
Tim Vine
grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance waiting for the bathroom.
There once was a poet named Bates
Whose limericks were never that great
His first lines weren't bad
But the problem he had
Was he always tried to fit way too many syllables in at the end.
What rock band has four guys that don’t sing?
Mount Rushmore.
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
I decided to switch to a knife to preserve my ammo.
The guys at Laser Tag started freaking out though.
I Tour de Francy you.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
It’s so cold the aquarium didn’t need to use glass. On the downside, the fish were motionless.
Where my prose at?
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
Where do math teachers normally like to go on summer vacation?
Times Square.
I’m feelin’ green.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
“Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.”
- Max Eastman.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
My love for you simply radiates.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."