What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
"Run like hell and get the agony over with."
Clarence DeMar
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
Man: Did you fall from heaven?
Woman: No, but I'm an Angel and died fifteen years ago... just like that pick up line.
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
Snow on and snow forth.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year and he still can't say the word, please.
which I think is poor for four.
I thought my ballet-themed body art was unique
But then I saw someone who had a tutu tattoo, too.
I'm glad I have my 2nd Amendment right to bear arms.
Otherwise, I'd have been amputated at birth.
Hey the cyclist, can I take you for a spin on my handlebars?
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
Q: Why did the tiger eat the lamp?
A: He wanted a light lunch.
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
My favorite denim blue jeans just turned brown. I think I will have to call it Dung-arees!
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
I'm cold just thinking about Canada. Let's cuddle.
I told my son to go find out what "nada" means in english
But he came back with nothing
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
Did you hear about the viking cannibal?
He had a Swede-tooth.
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
What do we call an airplane that cannot take off? It is called an error plane.
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane
My dog needed date ideas.
I told him to whine and dine her.
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.’”—Anonymous
What do worms leave round their baths? The scum of the earth.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
It’s so cold ice cubes are coming out of my tap.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
I love all of your stratified layers!
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.