What did the beach say to the tide when it came in?
Long time, no sea.
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
Did you know there are 206 bones in the human body? Would you mind one more?
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
Are you the Mayflower? Because you have been sailing through my head
It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
What does Santa often say to Mrs Claus? Come and look at the rain-dear.
I love complimentary WiFi.
It makes me feel good about myself.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
What is sticky and brown? A stick!
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
“The secret to a long marriage is to stay gone.” - Dolly Parton
Are you a campfire? Cause you are hot and I want s’more.
Hey girl, I hope you see that I'm not like all the otters!
“Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” – Red Buttons
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
How do you get from point A to point B?
Just take an x-y plane or a rhom’bus.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
For the last two weeks my kids have been building a medieval blanket fort every evening to sleep in. Many nights they also stayed up past their bedtime playing fortnight under its protective cover.
It was a night knight fort for Fortnight for a fortnight.
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
“The best way you hurt rich people is by turning them into poor people” – Billy Ray Valentine (Eddie Murphy) Trading Places
Is there a fireman around? Because you are smoking hot.
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"
“Millionaires don't use Astrology, billionaires do.”
― J.P. Morgan
I'd spend Tuesdays with Morrie, but baby, I'd spend every day with you.
"Dust"
The grey dust runs on the ground like a mouse,
Over the doorstep and into the house,
Under the bedsteads and tables and chairs,
Up to the rooms at the top of the stairs,
Down to the cellar, across the brick floor-
There! It is off again by the back door!
Never a mousetrap can catch the grey mouse
Who keeps the brooms busy all over the house!
– P. A. Ropess
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
Why should you never argue with decimals?
Decimals always have a point.
Tropic like it's hot.
What did Richard III say when someone asked to build a car park in Leicester?
"Over my dead body!"
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
Where did the Viking buy his guitar?
Nordstrom's
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Date a hockey player, we always wear protection.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
You must be known for you defense cause you definitely stole my heart.
Do you have a mirror in your pocket?
Why, because you can see yourself in my pants?
No, because I wanted to check how I look before I hit on your hot friend.