Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
This morning I saw a flower and I thought it was the most beautiful thing i have ever seen; until I met you.
My dad died on Thanksgiving whilst eating dinner.
Fowl play was suspected.
What do gnomes love to sing while gardening?
Gnome Worry, Bee Happy.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
Wife says to her husband: "Choose, either me or the soccer game!"
He responds: "Give me 90 minutes to think."
Please keep your distance. I might fall for you.
What Did The Gladiator Do With The Glory-Hole?
He put his spear in it.
What is writing in sand called?
Sandscript.
I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.
Up to snow good.
Why does a golf teacher want you to keep your head down? So you can't see him laughing at you.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
What do you call writing a book about breeding bats to pull carriages? A wheely bat idea.
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”
Les Dawson
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
Are you Darth Vader, because I wouldn't mind if you used a little force to choke me.
Once, a wizard had cursed a knight and turned him into a bird. To express his sorrow, he sang throughout the entire day because he had become a knightingle.
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
What does goblin's blood consist of?
Hemogoblin.
"Every morning is good; it’s not his fault that someone didn’t sleep well."
– Unknown
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
"I despise the lottery. There’s less chance of you becoming a millionaire than there is of getting hit by a passing asteroid." ~ Unknown
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”
- James Baldwin.
Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
I’m like planet Neptune. I’m attracted to the gravitational pull from Uranus since it is so big, and I cannot lie.
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
What do Russians call a bad WiFi connection?
Inter-NIET
Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.
“I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.”
Roy Orbison
Knock, Knock
Who’s there?
Can!
Can who?
Can I worm my way in to your house!
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
"We pay our gym membership for the permission to exercise in the gym, not for the owner(s) of the gym to exercise for us."
- Mokokoma Mokhonoana.