Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
What do you call a Tyrannosaurus under stress?
A nervous rex.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
What did the math teach rate the movie American Pie?
3.14
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
Why can’t a rooster ever get rich?
Because he works for chicken feed.
I'm gonna be on you like alligator on wildebeest.
Why did the fish make such a good musician?
He knew his scales.
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
One of my friends who hates crows, looked at a flock of crows, I saw murder in his eyes.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
“Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.” -Unknown
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
What do you say if you lose a game on St. Patrick's Day?
Game clover.
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
Jedi Mind Trick: "This is the geek you're looking for." waves hand.
What kind of vehicle does Bigfoot drive?
A big toe-truck.
What do you call a dog on the beach in the summer? A hot dog!
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
“If being awesome was a crime, I would be serving a life sentence.”
Anonymous
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
Where did Vegans come from?
Hummus Sapiens
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
I asked a French man if he played video games
He said, "Wii."
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
When the teacher got frustrated because the students weren't paying attention to the class about Isaac Newton, he exclaimed, "Don't you understand the gravity of this situation?"
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
Did you hear about the conductor who was arrested for inciting violins?
They strung him up, but he didn't fret.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
A strawberry screamed at the other, "Were it not that ripe, we wouldn't have ended up in this jam."
I saw a cow on fire ther dayand so I put it out.
Guess you could call it a rare experience.
I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.
Do fish go on vacation?
No, because they’re always in school!
A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous