When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
What’s the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
Girl holding bowl colorful variety game indoor.
What did the dessert say to the Granny Smith tree?
You’re the apple of my pie.
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
Can you tell me the oxidation state of this atom? If you can’t, then you can tell me your phone number instead?
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
Are you undressing me with your eyes?!
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
There was a young lady of Kent.
Whose nose was most awfully bent.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
Are you a taco?
Cause you sure taco lot
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
“Money’s only something you need in case you don’t die tomorrow." ~ Martin Sheen
It's really hard for me to plan our wedding without your number.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
I can tell that you're a fan of Confucius, 'cause everything about you is rite.
“When you realize your self-worth you’ll stop giving people discounts.”
Sometimes we eat when we’re hungry
Or else when we’re just in the mood,
But everyone’s habits are different
In how we relate to our food.
There are 3 meals-a-day folk as well as
The ones who skip breakfast or lunch
And grazers who nibble for most of the day
Or snackers who in-between munch.
There are people with junk food addictions
And those who shun pork, beef or fish,
While the gluten or carb-free among us
Pay attention to what’s in each dish.
As for sweets, that’s a whole other story –
When you think about ice cream or pie
Or the various candies and chocolates
Without which some could never get by.
Just consider your own way of eating
With the foods you enjoy or you sneak
And you’ll realize, if you broach the subject,
That our diets are all most unique!
(Ilene Bauer)
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.
You looking at me is making me turn as red as that roasted beet salad.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
Who in the hell names their son “Tiger” ?
Only people in the Woods’
Did you hear about the zombie after-school club?
It's dead in that place.
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
"Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly payment is due." ~Author Unknown
This graveyard looks overcrowded.
People must be dying to get in.
Tom Hanks just got the Corona virus.
They had to lock the whole Cast Away.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
I am glad my mobile phone has GPS because I am totally getting lost in your beautiful eyes.
How are you still so fat when you've been running in my mind for so long?
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.” – Ogden Nash
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.