What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
It’s so hot Optimus Prime transformed into an air conditioner.
In order to be efficient, I named my parrots Roger, Gene, and Mick.
Two Byrds, one Stone.
A twin complains to his mother, “ You said you didn’t have a favourite between me and Brian.”
We don’t darling,” replies his mother. “What would make you say such a thing?”
“Then why am I blowing up balloons for his surprise birthday party.”
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
How did the blond define hydrophobic on her chemistry exam? Fear of utility bills.
Some people prefer milk after it has churned. I guess they find it butter that way.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
I told the other alligator to stay outside, he cai-man anyway.
Blind Woman Gets New Kidney From Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
You can donate blood to me anytime since you’re just my type.
Ireland is pitcher perfect.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
What to spiders eat in Paris?
French flies.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
What's red and invisible? No tomatoes.
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend but it sure helps!”
— Unknown
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
There was an Old Person of Mold,
Who shrank from sensations of cold,
So he purchased some muffs,
Some furs and some fluffs,
And wrapped himself from the cold.
"Here for the right riesling."
Son: “Hey Dad, can we go to the beach?”
Dad: “Shore?”
What is white and has long ears, whiskers, and sixteen wheels? Two rabbits on Rollerblades!
So, if I heat my solid state hard drive until it becomes a gaseous state hard drive
Would that mean I'm doing cloud computing?
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
I was at my hotel in Spain and wasn't feeling well.
Reception said they had a doctor on staff.
The doctor asked me lots of questions and I was then feeling much better.
I told reception I didn't expect a hotel would have a doctor on staff
They said it was a Spanish Inn Physician
How is Big Foot so good at rock climbing?
He always finds the biggest footholds.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
If I were a stop light, I would always turn red each time you pass by. In that way, I could stare at you longer.
If athletes can get “Athletes foot”, what can astronauts get? Missile Toe.
What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
Your smile lit up the room so I had to come over.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
I’m a baseliner and I don’t know how to volley: my game would disappear if I went to no-man’s land.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”