“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
What do you call a tariff on skin?
A tax-a-dermis!
Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
What did the tree do when it found that the bank had closed? It starts a new branch.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
“Usually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.”
- Julia Roberts.
“It was nice growing up with someone like you—someone to lean on, someone to count on…someone to tell on!”—Unknown
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
“Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need most.” —Addison H. Hallock
What does a mommy pig say to her piglets at the end of the day? Time to pig up your toys.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh boastful?
A: Because he Sphinx he's the best.
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.
Man: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
Are you from another world? You look like my love from another star.
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
Excuse me, but I think I dropped something! My jaw.
“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”
― Tamora Pierc
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
"He was happily married - but his wife wasn't."
- Victor Borge
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
"Love the wine you're with."
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
If I can't score, can I at least get an assist?
You’re my lucky charm.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
I was at a magic show, when after one particularly amazing trick, someone screamed out, "wow, how did you do that."
I would tell you", answered the magician predictably, "but then I'd have to kill you."
After a moments pause the same voice screamed out "can you tell my mother in law?"
I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
My dog never stands up for himself.
He just rolls over.
“I bought a new jacket for a hiking trip. It’s called a trail blazer.”
Marriage is like a game of poker.
At first you have two hearts and a diamond.
By the end all you want is a club and spade.
You remind me of cheese... I want you on everything!
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.