You can drive my car, and if you'd like, I also have a Yellow Submarine
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
He woke up.
What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
Whatever coats your boat.
Hey girl, are you related to Abraham's nephew?
Because I like you a LOT.
What do you call a tooth in a glass full of water?
A one molar solution.
The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
"Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing."
- Natasha Leggero
I can go 90 minutes without stopping.
"Behind every successful man is a woman; behind her is his wife."
There was once a mountain biker who murdered everyone in his path because he was a clinical cycle-path!
What's the best way to talk to a Tyrannosaur ? Long distance!
What’s the best way to serve pi?
A la mode. Anything else is mean.
What type of noodles do swimmers like best?
Pool noodles!
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
Is there a science room nearby, or am I just sensing chemistry between us?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
"Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board."
- Zora Neale Hurston
What is the same shape and size as a sequoia tree, but weighs nothing at all? The tree’s shadow.
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
Why was there a troop of gorillas protesting outside the biscuit factory?
They wanted to stop the production of animal crackers.
Not even Fahrenheit, Celsius, or Kelvin can measure how hot you are!
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
Where do cats go when they die? Purr-gatory.
Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.
"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
Did you hear the terrible rumor about the volleyball player? That’s what she set!
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”
I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
I had an art contest with my friend.
It ended in a draw.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.
Is it hot in here or is this relationship suffocating me?
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.
Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!