Well… I gotta de-Clara, I think I’ve just fallen in love.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam!
Do you know why the beaver was found guilty?
Because the prosecutor had damming evidence.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
Why did the computer break up with the internet? There was no "Connection".
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
What is an electrician’s favorite flavor of ice cream? Shock-a-lot.”
What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away? "You bass-tard!"
Why do criminals hate coins?
Because half of them are coppers.
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." - Anonymous
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
When a mountain falls sick, it tells the doctor that he's feeling really very, very hill.
A woman says to the dentist "I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby."
The dentist says "Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!"
History. History. Did I just rewrite history?
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
What does a well-educated owl say?
Whom.
You are the object of my preposition.
Why is Frankenstein always asking for help?
He’s looking for someone to give him a hand.
What do you do with a dead geologists?
Barium
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem
You're hot enough for both of us during winter.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Ears.
Ears who?
Ears one more beaver joke for you.
What do ducks watch on TV?
Duck-umentaries.
Why shouldn’t you let advanced math intimidate you?
It’s really as easy as pi!
Why don’t giraffes make good pets?
They’re too high maintenance.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
“Heat, ma'am! It was so dreadful here that I found there was nothing left for it but to take off my flesh and sit in my bones.”
- Sydney Smith
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
Babe, are you Spotify? Because I would pay premium to spend uninterrupted time with you.
Are you teh Easter Bunny? Because you’ve spent the entire day hopping around in my head.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
It’s so hot that you can’t make a chili dog.
Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
The other day someone made fun of my ears for hanging down too far.
Lobe low, dude.
You’re pretty and I’m damn cute. If we’re together, we would be pretty cute.
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
The wind had such a great time. You could say it had a blast.
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.