What do you say when your horse proposes to your other horse?
Call the marrier!
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
"Parenthood: That state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage." – Marcelene Cox
How'd you like to go on a long romantic walk on the treadmill?
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a Dutchman are all on a zoom call.
The four men are all on a zoom call with their boss. Their boss asks “Can you see me?” and they respond
“Yes”
“Oui”
“Si”
“Ja”
Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
Chuck Norris walks into a bar...
The bar breaks in half.
“Never underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very loud music.”
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
There was an Old Person of Sparta,
Who had twenty-one sons and one 'darter';
He fed them on snails,
And weighed them in scales,
That wonderful Person of Sparta.
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Can you give me directions to your heart? I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
What do you call a French guy flying a plane? A pilot.
What did the Psychologist tell the geologist? "Every decline is a great Break Through"
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
The best stretches are partner stretches.
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Choreographers are always hard to get in touch with because they are always blocking you.
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
You’re like a dictionary—you add meaning to my life.
Why did the vampire get a COVID test?
Because he was COFFIN.
Are you a customs agent? I feel like I need to declare my love to you.
“I’m just a Sagittarius, and we’re kind of spontaneous.
So let’s head out to Vegas and find an Elvis to marry us.”
— Andy Grammer, “Blame It on the Stars”
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?
"My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one."
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Two knee.
Two knee who?
Two-knee fish!
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
What did the dog groomer say to her dentist?
I clean my canines every day.