They aren’t gnome for their humor.
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
Why do sharks swim in saltwater?
Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
What did Shakespeare say when he was angry with his Dalmatian?
Out, out, damned spot.
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
"Roses are red, violets are blue. We're breaking up beacause I never loved you."
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
You are the hottest thing since sunburn.
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
It says right here that this frozen pizza is enough for two.
According to the multiverse theory, there’s at least one universe where we end up together. Do you want this universe to be one of them?
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
“What strange creatures brothers are!”—Jane Austen
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
The First World War ended very quickly because they were Russian.
I was getting a record player down from a shelf and it dropped on my head!
But it didn't effect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me
It didn't affect me...
“Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I’m not there, I go to work.” – Robert Orben
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
How do beavers make a bouncy dam? Well, they use spring water.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
"People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." - George Burns
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
Q: What do you get when you cross a green mummy with a yellow mummy?
A: A golden moldy
Where my prose at?
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
My love for you is like dividing by zero… It can’t be defined!
What do you call a mouse with no balls?
Optical.
If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
Why did the pianist quit playing the piano?
Bad Bach.
Now I know why people love footballers – especially the goalies, they are real keepers.
What do you call a gassy cowboy?
Wyatt Burp.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
She has high elf-esteem.
The opposite of isolate is...
yousoearly.
A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.
Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Owls say.
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.